Trying so hard not to freak out or lose my mind. Feeling crazy and afraid most of the time... it's nothing I'm not used to, but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'd like just one day of feeling completely normal, whatever "normal" is.
I literally feel like I bother everyone, like I'm a burden to people and that they simply tolerate me. I look in the mirror and don't see someone that people could care about. I see the woman who people wanted to hurt, that people thought it was okay to abuse.
I remember during beatings from one of my exes... Before it ever reached the point of physical, I would sit there and withdraw into myself.. Make myself as small as possible and then think to myself "Maybe if I'm real still, he won't notice me or hurt me."
It never worked. Not once.
Now. In my daily life, as long as it's not a "bad" day and my depression, anxiety and PTSD don't team up on me and attack... I can have long periods of time where I don't remember being abused or let it color my interactions with people.
But my "bad days" are really bad. I can't shut the sound of someone cursing me, screaming or yelling at me out. I can't close my eyes and not remember what it's like to have fists flying at me. And all it takes is something subtle to bring it all back.
A song, a sound, a sight, a smell. Someone's cologne that smells like the one that one of my abusers wore, a lyric to a song, a certain style of shirt on someone, etc. It brings the nightmares flooding back and I'm right back there.
Along with all the feelings of being worthless, unlovable, useless, crazy, etc.
A lifetime of abuse in some form or another... It's hard to cope with and even harder to actually move past.
I know eventually, I will heal. Eventually, I will no longer be afraid or anxious. Eventually, I will find happiness and peace. I'll find my balance.
I'm impatient for that day to come. Because fighting demons is exhausting and emotionally draining.
But I will keep fighting, because there has to be some kind of hope in all of this.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm not meant to be used, hurt or be someone's punching bag (in any form). Maybe there's a reason why I'm here and why I've already survived so much.
