Another Fibro Flare

Living with Fibromyalgia, Lupus, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Arthritis and Chronic Pain can seem like fighting a losing battle even on the best of days. Some days, start out better than others... When you throw in being a single mom with a mountain of stress you have to climb over daily... the day-to-day struggle of simply living can feel almost impossible.

I don't know what it's like to go through a day with no pain whatsoever, even if it isn't physical. I struggle with my emotions on my "good" physical days. There are days when I struggle to even get out of bed or walk, because the physical pain is so bad, but I'm emotionally in a GREAT place. Life is hard... life with chronic illness and mental issues can seem too difficult to manage sometimes.

Right now, I'm struggling with another fibro flare. I can't get comfortable when I'm being perfectly still, moving hurts - but is completely necessary, Tylenol and Ibuprofen barely make a dent in the pain. I have to keep going. Giving up simply isn't an option. I'll make it through another day, but it will be difficult. Yet, I have no choice. That's the part where being a single parent makes things even more difficult than they already were.

I don't have the support of very many family and friends... and the ones who would be helpful and supportive, don't live close by. So, in many regards, I am a single parent and doing it totally alone. With chronic illness and chronic pain. I keep going and keep trying... each day is good in it's own way, even the days that are hard.

There are many days where I wish my life weren't so complicated or difficult. I wish I could be normal and healthy... the reality is, my life is what it is meant to be. I am who I am meant to be. I am a person worth loving, I have many good qualities, a (mostly) positive attitude... and a lot to offer the world. So, if I have chronic illness and a few mental issues along the way... that's okay.

I am not my diagnoses. I am so much more. And in life, we just have to take the bad with the good.

So I live, one day at a time, to the best of my abilities. And continue to focus on my future and that of my children.

Healing From Trauma: The Journey Isn't Easy

When it comes to healing from trauma, it's important to remember that the journey to healthy and whole isn't easy when you're coming from a place of brokenness. For me, personally, it's become absolutely essential that I don't allow people or situations into my life that trigger me, bring negativity or continue the cycles of abuse that I have lived with for my entire life. In some cases, this has resulted in me having to cut people out of my life that I love. No decision is harder.

Your healing isn't going to give you warm and fuzzy feelings, it's going to be ugly, raw and often painful. You might make a lot of people angry when you begin healing and standing up for yourself... that's okay, because this is your journey, not theirs. If someone gets angry with you because you are taking the journey to healing, then they have no place in your journey or your life.

I have had to learn the hard way that just because I love someone, doesn't mean that they have my best interests at heart or that they are meant to stay in my life. We often hold onto people and situations because it's what is familiar, or , out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. We hold onto people that we love, but never stop to wonder if that love is healthy or if they love us in the right way.

Healing from trauma isn't easy, the journey is hard... it's going to take a lot out of you - emotionally, mentally and even physically. So, while you're on the journey to healing... make sure and take time to take care of yourself. Take naps, take bubble baths, journal, draw, color in coloring books, listen to soothing music, take walks, meditate... whatever soothes your soul and clears your mind.

Make sure, while you are on your healing journey, that you surround yourself with positivity - even if you have to create your own positivity. Never feel guilty or apologize for putting yourself first. And even if the journey gets difficult, keep going - the end result is SO worth it.

Healing From Trauma: Finding Your Inner Child

This blog post is the first in a series about healing from trauma and abuse, coping with anxiety and depression, as well as living with PTSD.

 It is no great secret that PTSD affects a large portion of our population in today's society. What is less known is that many times, a childhood trauma can cause PTSD that will affect the victim of abuse or neglect in ways that only become apparent later in life. It is a tragedy that in today's society, we still do not have the resources and knowledge to prevent domestic abuse, sexual abuse or other forms of abuse. There is still a large portion of today's society that is content to simply look the other way or find ways to blame the victims of abuse. Nothing could be more tragic for a victim of childhood abuse.

In many cases of childhood trauma, an individual's emotional development becomes stunted at whatever age that the trauma occurred. This can set the individual up for a lifetime of abuse and trauma, especially if help is not sought out immediately following the trauma or if the trauma continues. Domestic abuse, sexual abuse or any other type of trauma - quite literally "rewires" the brain in the victim and causes them to function at a different cognitive and emotional level than they would have had the trauma not occurred.

I have learned a few things in recent years about myself and my life. After large amounts of time of introspection and self-work, I've discovered that childhood traumas set the stage for the cycle of domestic violence and emotional abuse that I found myself repeating as an adult. I realized that I was still acting and reacting as a scared, confused and angry little girl - both in my decisions in everyday life, my interpersonal relationships and in my basic mindsets. This was a hard pill to swallow- after all, who wants to realize that they aren't really as mature as they think they are?

What I've realized is that I have been living my adult life as if I were still the same scared little girl in the middle of chaos. To start working on myself, to learn to live with my PTSD, depression and anxiety and to begin healing my traumas - I had to go back to that little girl. I had to find my Inner Child. My Inner Child was my Psyche... the scared little girl inside of me that had been hurt so badly, that was afraid of being abandoned or hurt again. I had to get in touch with that little girl, to get in touch with my Inner Child.

I know, this sounds like a bunch of "New Age" type nonsense. I promise it's not. First, I went back to the beginning of my life and began writing down memories. I allowed myself to feel the things I felt at those times where things were scary, painful, etc. I found my Inner Child inside - and I let her cry, rage, scream, to FEEL. This has been very difficult. I've used coloring, drawing, singing, listening to music, watching kid's movies, etc - to get myself in touch with my Inner Child.

Once I found her, I began to work on soothing her. I began to tell her that things would be okay, that the adult me wasn't going to let her go and was going to protect her from now on. I told her it was okay to be sad, scared, mad, etc - all of those emotions are valid, and she didn't have to hide them or ignore them any longer. Slowly, I have begun to deal with the traumas that started in childhood and have begun to heal from them. I wake up each morning and "check-in" with my Inner Child, see how she's feeling, make sure she's okay. I tell her, "We've got this, today is another day, and we're becoming whole."

Finding your Inner Child after childhood abuse or trauma is very important, because you have to get your emotional growth on track. To do this, you have to heal your Inner Child and acknowledge him or her. If you hope to break the cycles of pain and abuse, you have to start at the beginning.

Another One of Those Days

Trying so hard not to freak out or lose my mind. Feeling crazy and afraid most of the time... it's nothing I'm not used to, but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'd like just one day of feeling completely normal, whatever "normal" is.

I literally feel like I bother everyone, like I'm a burden to people and that they simply tolerate me. I look in the mirror and don't see someone that people could care about. I see the woman who people wanted to hurt, that people thought it was okay to abuse.

I remember during beatings from one of my exes... Before it ever reached the point of physical, I would sit there and withdraw into myself.. Make myself as small as possible and then think to myself "Maybe if I'm real still, he won't notice me or hurt me."

It never worked. Not once.

Now. In my daily life, as long as it's not a "bad" day and my depression, anxiety and PTSD don't team up on me and attack... I can have long periods of time where I don't remember being abused or let it color my interactions with people.

But my "bad days" are really bad. I can't shut the sound of someone cursing me, screaming or yelling at me out. I can't close my eyes and not remember what it's like to have fists flying at me. And all it takes is something subtle to bring it all back.

A song, a sound, a sight, a smell. Someone's cologne that smells like the one that one of my abusers wore, a lyric to a song, a certain style of shirt on someone, etc. It brings the nightmares flooding back and I'm right back there.

Along with all the feelings of being worthless, unlovable, useless, crazy, etc.

A lifetime of abuse in some form or another... It's hard to cope with and even harder to actually move past.

I know eventually, I will heal. Eventually, I will no longer be afraid or anxious. Eventually, I will find happiness and peace. I'll find my balance.

I'm impatient for that day to come. Because fighting demons is exhausting and emotionally draining.

But I will keep fighting, because there has to be some kind of hope in all of this.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm not meant to be used, hurt or be someone's punching bag (in any form). Maybe there's a reason why I'm here and why I've already survived so much.