Another Fibro Flare

Living with Fibromyalgia, Lupus, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Arthritis and Chronic Pain can seem like fighting a losing battle even on the best of days. Some days, start out better than others... When you throw in being a single mom with a mountain of stress you have to climb over daily... the day-to-day struggle of simply living can feel almost impossible.

I don't know what it's like to go through a day with no pain whatsoever, even if it isn't physical. I struggle with my emotions on my "good" physical days. There are days when I struggle to even get out of bed or walk, because the physical pain is so bad, but I'm emotionally in a GREAT place. Life is hard... life with chronic illness and mental issues can seem too difficult to manage sometimes.

Right now, I'm struggling with another fibro flare. I can't get comfortable when I'm being perfectly still, moving hurts - but is completely necessary, Tylenol and Ibuprofen barely make a dent in the pain. I have to keep going. Giving up simply isn't an option. I'll make it through another day, but it will be difficult. Yet, I have no choice. That's the part where being a single parent makes things even more difficult than they already were.

I don't have the support of very many family and friends... and the ones who would be helpful and supportive, don't live close by. So, in many regards, I am a single parent and doing it totally alone. With chronic illness and chronic pain. I keep going and keep trying... each day is good in it's own way, even the days that are hard.

There are many days where I wish my life weren't so complicated or difficult. I wish I could be normal and healthy... the reality is, my life is what it is meant to be. I am who I am meant to be. I am a person worth loving, I have many good qualities, a (mostly) positive attitude... and a lot to offer the world. So, if I have chronic illness and a few mental issues along the way... that's okay.

I am not my diagnoses. I am so much more. And in life, we just have to take the bad with the good.

So I live, one day at a time, to the best of my abilities. And continue to focus on my future and that of my children.

Healing From Trauma: Acknowledging the Pain

This is my second post in my series about Healing from Trauma. I would like to take a moment to invite you to check out my other posts in this series... Due to time constraints, I will not be linking each post to the others while doing this series. They can all be found on this blog, Inside a Glass Heart.

The thing that most people don't understand about surviving any type of abuse or trauma, is that there is a lifetime of pain surrounding whatever abuse or trauma you have gone through. It becomes easier after a time to simply ignore the resulting pain that has been caused by childhood abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence or other trauma. This is because we tend to want to avoid thinking about whatever hurt us, so we try to ignore what happened and ignore the resulting pain.

Our subconscious usually does a good job of helping us "forget" the pain, which in turn leads us to be able to avoid thinking about that which hurt us. This leads to a lifetime of underlying pain, decisions that usually come as a result of that pain - either which lead to us continually being hurt or to try to avoid being hurt again. This perpetuates an extremely unhealthy cycle of abuse or trauma, as well as helps to keep us from working through the trauma to avoid feeling the pain that the trauma caused. Many times, it keeps us from even acknowledging that we are in pain.

PTSD is many times a result of not just the trauma that we have been through, but a result of not working through our unresolved feelings concerning our trauma. This results in a "bottling up" of our emotions concerning the trauma, the denial that there is anything wrong, even the convincing ourselves that everything is "okay." That we are "just fine." Nothing could be farther from the truth and this is a very dangerous way to handle your emotions and trauma.

One of the first steps to beginning to heal from trauma is to acknowledge your pain. Admit that you are hurt, that you have every right to be hurt. It's okay to be hurt, it's okay to feel that hurt. You can feel the pain and still come through it. You might be a bit "bruised and battered" by the time you come out of the other side of your pain, but that's perfectly normal and perfectly okay.

For many years, I attempted to keep my emotions in check and refused to acknowledge that which was hurting me. I refused to acknowledge that I was in pain or that I had been hurt. I attempted to avoid thinking about the things and people that had hurt me, even felt guilty for acknowledging that someone I'd loved and trusted had hurt me. In an attempt to spare other's feelings and protect my own, I didn't allow myself to feel that hurt or acknowledge it. I self-medicated, was angry and volatile, bitter and even paranoid - as I attempted to protect myself from further hurt and attempted to avoid that which was hurting me.

All I did was hurt myself worse.

If you truly want to heal from trauma, you have to work through your emotions surrounding the trauma. An integral part of this is acknowledging and accepting the pain for what it is. I'm not suggesting that you feel your pain and just simply stay stuck in it or wallow in it, but to simply acknowledge and feel that pain. Cry as many tears as you need to, write your heart out in a journal or letter to what or whomever hurt you (burning it if necessary), embrace yourself and give yourself gentle hugs and loving self-care. Take care of yourself and work through your pain.

Beware of those who will tell you to "get over it," "stop being a baby" or any other negative, minimizing statements. Being in touch with your emotions and handling them appropriately is a very important part of your emotional and mental health and growth. Acknowledge those emotions, feel them, work through them and release them. If you cannot do this on your own, I strongly suggest seeking the help of a licensed counselor or trauma therapist to help guide you through this process.

Acknowledging pain is difficult, but it's an important first step in the process of healing from trauma.

The Beauty of Fire

The beauty of a fire and the destructive capabilities always leave me in awe. It's a reminder to me, that we need to burn bright with our passions and remain true to ourselves... Or we can be lost in the flames and destroy ourselves and every thing around us.
#fire #bonfire #beauty #flame #self #truth #honesty #healing #faith #hope #love #passion #beyourself #nevergiveup #destruction

Another One of Those Days

Trying so hard not to freak out or lose my mind. Feeling crazy and afraid most of the time... it's nothing I'm not used to, but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'd like just one day of feeling completely normal, whatever "normal" is.

I literally feel like I bother everyone, like I'm a burden to people and that they simply tolerate me. I look in the mirror and don't see someone that people could care about. I see the woman who people wanted to hurt, that people thought it was okay to abuse.

I remember during beatings from one of my exes... Before it ever reached the point of physical, I would sit there and withdraw into myself.. Make myself as small as possible and then think to myself "Maybe if I'm real still, he won't notice me or hurt me."

It never worked. Not once.

Now. In my daily life, as long as it's not a "bad" day and my depression, anxiety and PTSD don't team up on me and attack... I can have long periods of time where I don't remember being abused or let it color my interactions with people.

But my "bad days" are really bad. I can't shut the sound of someone cursing me, screaming or yelling at me out. I can't close my eyes and not remember what it's like to have fists flying at me. And all it takes is something subtle to bring it all back.

A song, a sound, a sight, a smell. Someone's cologne that smells like the one that one of my abusers wore, a lyric to a song, a certain style of shirt on someone, etc. It brings the nightmares flooding back and I'm right back there.

Along with all the feelings of being worthless, unlovable, useless, crazy, etc.

A lifetime of abuse in some form or another... It's hard to cope with and even harder to actually move past.

I know eventually, I will heal. Eventually, I will no longer be afraid or anxious. Eventually, I will find happiness and peace. I'll find my balance.

I'm impatient for that day to come. Because fighting demons is exhausting and emotionally draining.

But I will keep fighting, because there has to be some kind of hope in all of this.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm not meant to be used, hurt or be someone's punching bag (in any form). Maybe there's a reason why I'm here and why I've already survived so much.

First Post

So. I did it. Set up a new blog. I'm going to try to keep this one updated and not neglect it as I have other blogs in the past.

Hahaha. Who am I kidding? As a single Mom who has 9 children, my life is extremely hectic and busy, so it's only a matter of time before this blog also becomes forgotten or neglected. Or is it?

One thing that I've discovered in my life is that we make time for the things that are important to us. I might manage to hold onto this blog, and maybe even start updating my other ones. Time will tell.

So what is the purpose of this blog? This is my sounding board... A place to share my thoughts, feelings, insights and maybe even help someone in the process.

As a person with Complex PTSD, fibromyalgia, severe depression, anxiety and massive amounts of chronic pain and stress... My life is a challenge on a good day. My bad days are really bad. Somehow in all of it, I manage to keep going and keep hope.