The Ugly Unvarnished Truth

 Hello Everyone,

So I haven’t been around much the last year or so. I apologize. I have been battling the worst depressive episodes of my life. I’ve struggled with the after-effects of my hysterectomy a year ago - mental, physical and emotional. My life has been a roller-coaster. 

But here’a the absolute, ugly and unvarnished truth - CPTSD, chronic pain, generalized depression and anxiety and stressful life situations combined are a dangerous combination. I have been in a battle for my very life. I am processing years’ old trauma that I didn’t even realize existed until it has manifested in some way that makes me look, feel and act absolutely “bonkers.” 

To be honest, that’s dangerous. The symptoms that are caused by these issues combined with trauma flashbacks or new traumas can cause someone to push their support system or potential support system away. It’s when someone is pushing people away that they need people to stay the most.

Friends, family, my Soul Tribe - I have been in a a battle for my very life. I have been battling for my heart and soul. I am a very positive, loving and upbeat person - my mental issues take this away from me and turn me into a person that even I cannot recognize.

If you’re feeling like “un-a living” yourself, please reach out. Call emergency services if you don’t have a support system or support person. Post a message online. Just reach out. You are not alone. If someone doesn’t respond or they respond harshly - keep reaching, those people are not your tribe. But you will find the love and support you need.

Sometimes we just have to convince ourselves to try again and just wait and see. Sometimes it’s very literally holding on for Just. One. More. Day.

 Cherish and nurture yourself, begin to find just one thing daily to do for yourself, to take that step forward while you’re holding on tightly to that tiny string. You’ve got this. 

My messages are always open to you! If I don’t answer right away, please understand I am a single mom and business owner so sometimes things get hectic - I WILL respond to you. Even if it’s an emoji and a quick sentence. I will listen and answer.

Sending so much love and light. While you’re battling shadows, know you are not fighting alone. ❤️

Random Thoughts About Trauma

Trauma, especially that stemming from childhood, is hard to live with, it's hard to "get over." Despite what you might have been told or how you've been treated by toxic people or simply those who do not understand trauma, there's nothing wrong with you except you are trying to learn to live in spite of the pain.

Trauma literally rewires your brain. When you react to trauma, your body chemistry changes - your brain literally changes - so your body and mind struggle to find a new way to live with what has happened to you.

Trauma isn't a permanent thing, but the after-effects are. Don't be ashamed of coping mechanisms you've used or are using to try to deal with the pain or the memories of what has happened.

You can have a good, happy, healthy life in spite of going through trauma. You have to choose to live and live well. In many ways, this is as much a conscious choice as it is a survival instinct. It's about wanting to be better and wanting something better than what you've experienced.

Trauma takes time to heal from. Don't judge your own healing process by another's. Differing traumas, circumstances, support systems and education make a huge amount of difference in a healing process.

Trauma isn't the easiest thing to heal from, it's not something you just "get over," but you can choose your own path and choose positivity. A positive attitude makes a world of difference in healing from trauma.

Breaking Cycles Until They're Broken

When you are a survivor of childhood abuse or trauma, it's important to remember that you don't have to continue the cycles of trauma and abuse that you were raised within. You owe it to yourself and your children - if you have them or choose to have them - to find your power and break those cycles, regardless of how many times you have to say "NO" or leave a toxic situation or person.

Recognizing toxic cycles for what they are is the first step in beginning to heal, which is where breaking them truly begins. If you can acknowledge and understand toxicity for what it is, you set yourself on the path to finding ways to cope with the trauma, begin healing and avoid repeating those cycles. Sometimes, you have to keep breaking cycles over and over until you are no longer repeating them.

Understand, I'm not saying that you should not practice situational awareness and set boundaries to avoid repeating cycles. I'm not suggesting that you aren't responsible for your *own* choices or decisions - in this life, we are only responsible for ourselves, our actions and reactions, our own decisions. You cannot control another person or their words and actions, but you can choose to remove yourself from someone else's toxicity or the toxicity that they bring to your life. A huge battle when it comes to breaking cycles is to recognize those cycles for what they are and then to also stop them before they continue.

This can be difficult to do if one hasn't learned from their past decisions or relationships, if they haven't learned that toxicity begets toxicity. You have to understand the difference between healthy and toxic, what's "normal" and "not normal," if you will. By this, I mean that you have to learn that old patterns and cycles are unhealthy and have brought you to where you are, regardless of who or what is the ultimate catalyst for the toxicity. You have to recognize that where you've been, as painful and traumatic as it may have been, it isn't normal. You do not have to live in a constantly repeating cycle of trauma.

If you find yourself repeating cycles, ask yourself what needs to change. Be brutally, yet gently, honest with yourself. Regardless of whether it's something you or a toxic person are doing, recognize that you have the power within yourself to change your own life and destiny. You don't have to be a victim, you can choose to survive and THRIVE. Be sure you aren't battling yourself in attempts to sabotage your own happiness. Watch for the trap of feeling like whatever you are going through is all you deserve or fatalistic thinking and believing that this is as good as your life can be.

Begin to manifest change in your own life by setting strong and hard boundaries. Don't allow others to penetrate your safe space. If you have to remove yourself from a situation or relationship, don't apologize or feel guilty. Do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy space and boundaries for yourself, surround yourself with positivity. Daily affirmations, meditation, journalling, counseling, a workout routine, new hobbies - all of these things will go towards helping you to set your life on the right path and break cycles for good.

In the mean time, don't apologize for breaking cycles. Regardless of how many times you have to break them. Keep breaking them, one cycle at a time, over and over, if that's what it takes. Eventually, when you're closer to whole and have healed sufficiently, the changes you make will become permanent - for a happier, healthier and whole You.

Why Does a Narcissist Target an Empath?

When it comes to dealing with a narcissist, it's important to remember that they - each and every one of them  - typically have a "type." While not all victims of narcissistic individuals are empaths, they typically will find someone who has many empathic traits. This is because for a narcissist to successfully manipulate and use someone, that person has to be someone who is susceptible to the narcissists' charms and subtle attacks in the first place, before the narcissist begins to break down the other person's defenses and self-esteem. An empathic person fits the narcissist's needs perfectly.

If someone is friendly, caring, genuinely feels their emotions and is able to understand and feel another's emotions - if someone is a naturally giving individual and they care deeply about even casual acquaintances, then a narcissist will believe they have found the perfect victim. The narcissist is lacking empathy, strong positive emotions - the reason why doesn't matter, concern and consideration for others, perhaps they don't even use basic politeness or manners when dealing with those who are supposed to be close to them. All of the things that a narcissist is lacking, they seek to find and destroy in other people.

A narcissist may not have bad intentions, they may not even realize that what they are doing is abusive and toxic. Many narcissists are hiding deep-seated pain and trauma themselves. In many cases, a "switch" has been flipped inside of them and they only focus on attempting to make themselves feel better, to make themselves feel worthy and feel important - at the expense of another human being. Many narcissists have other underlying mental or psychological issues that are rooted in childhood or traumatic events over the course of their lives - sometimes it is a case of having parents that are TOO indulgent.

But a narcissist is capable of mirroring their victim, to portray themselves as having those same qualities as their victim, to be what their victim "needs." In the end, this is typically a person who is an empath or one who has many empathic traits. A narcissist needs to feel important, they need to have their ego stroked and they need to feed off the other person's pain, fear and confusion. This is why the victim of a narcissist is usually referred to as "supply." The victim is "supplying" anything that the narcissist is lacking - financial, material, mental, emotional, physical - all of those needs that a normal, healthy, non-toxic adult can find ways to supply for themselves.

An empath is a special breed of human, they feel the most, they give people many chances before closing them off, they care about other people, most empaths will give the shirt off their back to someone who is in need of it. Empaths are especially susceptible to the manipulations of a narcissist, due to their ability to anticipate and attempt to meet the needs of other people. Empaths are natural givers and narcissists are natural takers. This is an extremely toxic dynamic, both for the empath and the narcissist - although neither will usually recognize or acknowledge it.

Narcissists choose empaths as their target because empaths are one of the most easily manipulated personality types. The narcissist thrives on causing pain and confusion, on wreaking havoc on their victim's life, because the narcissist will take what he or she is lacking at all costs.

If you are an empath and you have fallen victim to a narcissist, it is NOT your fault. You have done nothing wrong. As a matter of fact, the reason the narcissist has chosen you as his or her victim is because you aren't doing anything wrong. If anything, you are doing things "too right." This isn't a negative, it simply means that you have a light inside of you that toxic people envy, you have a gift that others are jealous of, so they seek to take it for their own. When they seek to take it from you and they can't utilize it in the same way, they then seek to destroy it - and you.

A narcissist doesn't choose an empath as their victim because there is anything wrong with the empath, they choose an empath because that is their ideal person - they target that which they wish to portray themselves as, as well as having the most to gain from. Strong boundaries and setting boundaries is important in getting rid of a narcissist, as well as recognizing that the narcissist will never change.

Do Narcissists Actually Love?

Inevitably, I see many posts in support groups for recovery from Narcissistic abuse, asking if the Narcissist actually loves their victims or if they can change? The short answer to this is, no.

Narcissists are deeply broken. Incapable of loving anyone, not even 
themselves. Although they are very focused on themselves and portray an 
ego like no other (in most cases).

They secretly hate themselves and are full of self-loathing, have low 
self-esteem... and so they reflect that onto their victims, making their 
victims feel the same way they themselves do. 

While at the same time demanding that their victim "supply" them with 
love, affection, admiration, etc. Hence the term "supply" when talking 
about the victim of a Narcissist. 

Narcissists don't actually treat their future partners, other children, 
etc. better than their current victims. They simply move from "supply" 
to supply... Playing "favorites" or manipulating. 
Love-bombing and gaslighting are two of their favorite methods to 
manipulate and control their victims.

Which is how they are able to keep their victims attached and in limbo 
for long periods of time, years even, while also procuring new "supply" 
and leaving more damaged victims in their wake. 

So, the Narcissist cannot actually love you, because he or she doesn't 
actually love themselves.

Healing From Trauma: A Recap Of The Series Thus Far

Thus far, in this blog series about Healing From Trauma, I've discussed multiple topics with you. Below I will include links to all of my blog posts in this series thus far and a basic recap. Whether you have been following along this entire time or are just joining me, this is a basic guide to my posts about Healing from Trauma. I invite you to share these links, to check them out yourself... Let's take this journey together.

1. Finding Your Inner Child - Which is important if you've suffered from childhood abuse or trauma. You have to find and begin healing that Inner Child if you want to become a healthy adult in the present.

2. Acknowledging The Pain - Another important aspect of healing is that you have to acknowledge what hurts, so that you can heal what hurts. You can't stuff those emotions down and pretend they don't exist.

3. Allowing The Anger - One thing that no one really wants to acknowledge or talk about - trauma makes you angry. This is normal and is perfectly okay, you have the RIGHT to be angry about the things that have hurt you.

4. Taking Baby Steps - Healing from Trauma can feel like a lot of missteps and can feel like you're stuck and making no progress. Healing doesn't happen overnight, it's perfectly okay to take baby steps, as long as you keep moving forward.

5. Don't Minimize Your Trauma - Too often, we feel the urge to minimize what we are feeling or want to downplay what we have gone through, especially if we are afraid of others' reactions to it. Don't minimize your trauma, validate yourself and your emotions concerning your trauma.

6. Know Your Triggers - When you're healing from trauma, it's important to know your triggers and find ways to cope with them. This encourages your mind and emotions into a positive healing process, instead of staying in a "self-protective" mode.

7. Boundaries Make Unhealthy People Angry - This post discusses the need for boundaries and the fact that many people will get angry with you when you start your healing journey. Those are not your people, they do not have your best interests at heart and they are exactly the reason why boundaries are so important.

8. The Journey Isn't Easy - Healing and recovering from trauma is never easy, but the journey and end result is worth all of the difficulties you will encounter along the way.

Healing From Trauma: The Journey Isn't Easy

When it comes to healing from trauma, it's important to remember that the journey to healthy and whole isn't easy when you're coming from a place of brokenness. For me, personally, it's become absolutely essential that I don't allow people or situations into my life that trigger me, bring negativity or continue the cycles of abuse that I have lived with for my entire life. In some cases, this has resulted in me having to cut people out of my life that I love. No decision is harder.

Your healing isn't going to give you warm and fuzzy feelings, it's going to be ugly, raw and often painful. You might make a lot of people angry when you begin healing and standing up for yourself... that's okay, because this is your journey, not theirs. If someone gets angry with you because you are taking the journey to healing, then they have no place in your journey or your life.

I have had to learn the hard way that just because I love someone, doesn't mean that they have my best interests at heart or that they are meant to stay in my life. We often hold onto people and situations because it's what is familiar, or , out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. We hold onto people that we love, but never stop to wonder if that love is healthy or if they love us in the right way.

Healing from trauma isn't easy, the journey is hard... it's going to take a lot out of you - emotionally, mentally and even physically. So, while you're on the journey to healing... make sure and take time to take care of yourself. Take naps, take bubble baths, journal, draw, color in coloring books, listen to soothing music, take walks, meditate... whatever soothes your soul and clears your mind.

Make sure, while you are on your healing journey, that you surround yourself with positivity - even if you have to create your own positivity. Never feel guilty or apologize for putting yourself first. And even if the journey gets difficult, keep going - the end result is SO worth it.

Healing from Trauma: Don't Minimize Your Trauma

One of the biggest mistakes we make whenever dealing with past trauma is to minimize our feelings about what happened to us or to attempt to shrug off what has happened. All as if we have "over-reacted" or we are "making a big deal out of nothing."

 Nothing could be farther from the truth. If it affected you, still affects you, if it caused you pain or is still causing you pain - anything that has made an impact on and who you are today is, indeed, "something." Don't minimize it.

By minimizing our trauma, we are not allowing ourselves to actually work through the emotions surrounding the trauma or the trauma itself. What this does is invalidate us as a person, as an individual. This has a devastating effect on our mental and emotional health, on our self-esteem. When we minimize our trauma and how it has affected us, we are actually minimizing ourselves.

In a misguided attempt to not allow our trauma to define us, we actually allow it to control us and take away our power. Leading to a never-ending and vicious cycle of minimizing ourselves and our feelings, which, in all reality, leads to further traumas and repeating of negative and abusive cycles.
Yes, by minimizing our trauma, we're allowing ourselves to stay stuck in old patterns and repeat history, over and over again.

While it isn't healthy to dwell in your past or stay overly focused on trauma that we've gone through, it is very much necessary to validate our feelings and what has happened to us. To truly heal from trauma of any kind, you have to acknowledge it, you have to allow yourself to feel the emotions regarding the trauma. You also have to acknowledge that you have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you do about what has happened to you.

This isn't weakness or selfishness on our part. It is simply a part of the healing process. Minimizing this trauma, the emotions around it, just keep us stuck in a cycle of invalidating ourselves and our feelings. It can lead to questioning whether or not we are crazy, self-doubt, etc. Nothing could be more detrimental to our emotional health and well-being or our emotional growth.

Acknowledge your emotions, acknowledge your trauma and how it has affected you and is still affecting you. Don't minimize. You are a human being and you deserve to be healthy and whole. A huge part of this is the human desire to be loved and accepted, but you don't need to minimize yourself or your experiences to be loved and accepted. The right people will love and accept you even when you are not minimizing. More importantly, you will love yourself more.

Healing from Trauma: Taking Baby Steps

Trauma is difficult to heal from... it's not simply a paper cut or flesh wound, it goes far deeper than someone was rude to you today, your partner forgot to take out the trash, etc. No. Trauma is something that scars you mentally and emotionally, for the rest of your life, all the way to your core and inner being. Trauma is something that you carry around with you, for the rest of your life. It can affect your day to day living and quality of life, it can color your perceptions and reactions to basic, every day words and events.

It's important to remember that you have every right to feel the way you do, you have the right to be hurt or angry or whatever emotions you are feeling surrounding your trauma. It can be difficult to move past those feelings, and, to some degree, those feelings will always be there. But it's important to do your best to allow yourself to feel and express those emotions, then slowly begin to let go of what is holding you back from healing, from living your best life.

When we hold on to trauma, we are giving that which hurt us, power over us. When we make the choice to heal, we are choosing to take our power back. Taking back your power and healing doesn't happen all at once, however... some days will feel like you're "stuck" or like you aren't making any progress at all. That's perfectly okay, just don't stay stuck. Keep moving forward. Don't push yourself to go faster than you're capable of, though.

Remember that every inch forward, is a bit of progress. You don't have to move mountains, you don't have to take full leaps or gigantic steps... baby steps will still get you there, as long as you keep moving forward. Focus on a happy and healthy future, where your trauma has no place in your life, where your past doesn't hold power over you or your happiness.

Wake up each morning and tell yourself that you'll make one positive change - just for this day. It doesn't have to be anything "big," it just needs to be a positive step for you. It can be something simple like choosing to try to have a positive outlook for that day, finding something to smile about, writing a paragraph in a journal, etc. If you have social anxiety, it can be as simple as trying to have a conversation with someone on the phone, or choosing to go to the convenience store for a soda.

Even if you don't succeed the first time, you've made progress simply by trying. Healing from trauma is a matter of taking baby steps. Taking things one day at a time, one moment at a time. Sometimes it's one minute at a time, even one second at a time. Even if you feel like you're merely treading water or spinning your wheels, you're making progress as long as you're handling your emotions and attempting to heal.

Don't get discouraged or give up on trying to heal from your trauma... keep going. Sometimes it's darkest right before daylight, so you'll get there eventually. Sometimes you'll feel like you're not making progress or feel like giving up - don't. You can get there. Just keep taking baby steps. You've got this.

Healing From Trauma: Allowing the Anger

With any type of trauma or abuse, it's quite normal for the person who has been abused or gone through another type of trauma to feel a broad range of emotions. This is almost always the case. Rarely is the victim of abuse or another type of trauma going to only feel one specific emotion regarding what has happened to them. Our brains process trauma in many different ways, even when we are not actively processing the trauma - there are still underlying emotions or motivations that trace back directly to the previous trauma we have gone through.

As I talked about in my previous post in this series, with any type of trauma, there is a large amount of pain. This is entirely normal and a part of the healing process. Our bodies and minds feel pain as a way of helping to protect us from further pain in the future. But there's another emotion which is almost always present when dealing with any type of trauma. That emotion is anger.

Now, what you absolutely must understand whenever you start dealing with the trauma... every single emotion you are feeling is absolutely valid and normal. Especially anger. We get angry for a large variety of reasons when it comes to trauma - it can be simply because something happened to us, it can be because we couldn't control it or protect ourselves, it can be because someone we trusted hurt us - the list goes on.

Whatever anger you feel about your trauma is valid. It is a  valid emotion and is also part of your mind and body's defense mechanism.

Whenever we are angry, it typically means we have been hurt, disrespected, disregarded, discarded, etc. It can mean that we've been made to feel as though our emotions are invalid, that WE do not matter. If we are angry, we need to allow ourselves to feel that emotion and work through it. It's not healthy to carry around anger, even if it IS a defense mechanism that is created due to trauma. Only when we can begin to heal the pain and anger can we work through our traumas.

If you are angry because you've gone through a trauma - you might be angry at the source or cause of your trauma, your abuser, the natural disaster you went through, etc... that is perfectly normal and perfectly okay. And if you can acknowledge your anger and why you are angry, that helps smooth the path for you in your healing process.

I don't typically suggest that you confront an abuser or attacker, you can't confront a natural disaster or accident... but you can write a letter, you can take your aggression out on an inanimate object or using physical activity as a positive outlet. You need to be able to express your anger, acknowledge that you are angry and why you are angry, so that you can move past it and continue to the next stage of healing from trauma.

If you find yourself angry and you can't cope with those emotions or don't feel like you are making progress, please seek the advice of a licensed professional counselor or therapist. You don't have to heal on your own and sometimes, we all need some help learning to cope and learning to heal. It's okay to be angry, you have the right to be angry and it's a perfectly normal response to trauma. Feel it, work through it, and continue healing.

By staying in your pain or anger, you allow your trauma to control you and hold onto you. I can assure you, from personal experience, this isn't where you want to stay "stuck." Let yourself feel your emotions and then let go, the continue to work on healing from your trauma.

Healing From Trauma: Finding Your Inner Child

This blog post is the first in a series about healing from trauma and abuse, coping with anxiety and depression, as well as living with PTSD.

 It is no great secret that PTSD affects a large portion of our population in today's society. What is less known is that many times, a childhood trauma can cause PTSD that will affect the victim of abuse or neglect in ways that only become apparent later in life. It is a tragedy that in today's society, we still do not have the resources and knowledge to prevent domestic abuse, sexual abuse or other forms of abuse. There is still a large portion of today's society that is content to simply look the other way or find ways to blame the victims of abuse. Nothing could be more tragic for a victim of childhood abuse.

In many cases of childhood trauma, an individual's emotional development becomes stunted at whatever age that the trauma occurred. This can set the individual up for a lifetime of abuse and trauma, especially if help is not sought out immediately following the trauma or if the trauma continues. Domestic abuse, sexual abuse or any other type of trauma - quite literally "rewires" the brain in the victim and causes them to function at a different cognitive and emotional level than they would have had the trauma not occurred.

I have learned a few things in recent years about myself and my life. After large amounts of time of introspection and self-work, I've discovered that childhood traumas set the stage for the cycle of domestic violence and emotional abuse that I found myself repeating as an adult. I realized that I was still acting and reacting as a scared, confused and angry little girl - both in my decisions in everyday life, my interpersonal relationships and in my basic mindsets. This was a hard pill to swallow- after all, who wants to realize that they aren't really as mature as they think they are?

What I've realized is that I have been living my adult life as if I were still the same scared little girl in the middle of chaos. To start working on myself, to learn to live with my PTSD, depression and anxiety and to begin healing my traumas - I had to go back to that little girl. I had to find my Inner Child. My Inner Child was my Psyche... the scared little girl inside of me that had been hurt so badly, that was afraid of being abandoned or hurt again. I had to get in touch with that little girl, to get in touch with my Inner Child.

I know, this sounds like a bunch of "New Age" type nonsense. I promise it's not. First, I went back to the beginning of my life and began writing down memories. I allowed myself to feel the things I felt at those times where things were scary, painful, etc. I found my Inner Child inside - and I let her cry, rage, scream, to FEEL. This has been very difficult. I've used coloring, drawing, singing, listening to music, watching kid's movies, etc - to get myself in touch with my Inner Child.

Once I found her, I began to work on soothing her. I began to tell her that things would be okay, that the adult me wasn't going to let her go and was going to protect her from now on. I told her it was okay to be sad, scared, mad, etc - all of those emotions are valid, and she didn't have to hide them or ignore them any longer. Slowly, I have begun to deal with the traumas that started in childhood and have begun to heal from them. I wake up each morning and "check-in" with my Inner Child, see how she's feeling, make sure she's okay. I tell her, "We've got this, today is another day, and we're becoming whole."

Finding your Inner Child after childhood abuse or trauma is very important, because you have to get your emotional growth on track. To do this, you have to heal your Inner Child and acknowledge him or her. If you hope to break the cycles of pain and abuse, you have to start at the beginning.

Another One of Those Days

Trying so hard not to freak out or lose my mind. Feeling crazy and afraid most of the time... it's nothing I'm not used to, but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'd like just one day of feeling completely normal, whatever "normal" is.

I literally feel like I bother everyone, like I'm a burden to people and that they simply tolerate me. I look in the mirror and don't see someone that people could care about. I see the woman who people wanted to hurt, that people thought it was okay to abuse.

I remember during beatings from one of my exes... Before it ever reached the point of physical, I would sit there and withdraw into myself.. Make myself as small as possible and then think to myself "Maybe if I'm real still, he won't notice me or hurt me."

It never worked. Not once.

Now. In my daily life, as long as it's not a "bad" day and my depression, anxiety and PTSD don't team up on me and attack... I can have long periods of time where I don't remember being abused or let it color my interactions with people.

But my "bad days" are really bad. I can't shut the sound of someone cursing me, screaming or yelling at me out. I can't close my eyes and not remember what it's like to have fists flying at me. And all it takes is something subtle to bring it all back.

A song, a sound, a sight, a smell. Someone's cologne that smells like the one that one of my abusers wore, a lyric to a song, a certain style of shirt on someone, etc. It brings the nightmares flooding back and I'm right back there.

Along with all the feelings of being worthless, unlovable, useless, crazy, etc.

A lifetime of abuse in some form or another... It's hard to cope with and even harder to actually move past.

I know eventually, I will heal. Eventually, I will no longer be afraid or anxious. Eventually, I will find happiness and peace. I'll find my balance.

I'm impatient for that day to come. Because fighting demons is exhausting and emotionally draining.

But I will keep fighting, because there has to be some kind of hope in all of this.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm not meant to be used, hurt or be someone's punching bag (in any form). Maybe there's a reason why I'm here and why I've already survived so much.