Do Narcissists Actually Love?

Inevitably, I see many posts in support groups for recovery from Narcissistic abuse, asking if the Narcissist actually loves their victims or if they can change? The short answer to this is, no.

Narcissists are deeply broken. Incapable of loving anyone, not even 
themselves. Although they are very focused on themselves and portray an 
ego like no other (in most cases).

They secretly hate themselves and are full of self-loathing, have low 
self-esteem... and so they reflect that onto their victims, making their 
victims feel the same way they themselves do. 

While at the same time demanding that their victim "supply" them with 
love, affection, admiration, etc. Hence the term "supply" when talking 
about the victim of a Narcissist. 

Narcissists don't actually treat their future partners, other children, 
etc. better than their current victims. They simply move from "supply" 
to supply... Playing "favorites" or manipulating. 
Love-bombing and gaslighting are two of their favorite methods to 
manipulate and control their victims.

Which is how they are able to keep their victims attached and in limbo 
for long periods of time, years even, while also procuring new "supply" 
and leaving more damaged victims in their wake. 

So, the Narcissist cannot actually love you, because he or she doesn't 
actually love themselves.

Healing From Trauma: A Recap Of The Series Thus Far

Thus far, in this blog series about Healing From Trauma, I've discussed multiple topics with you. Below I will include links to all of my blog posts in this series thus far and a basic recap. Whether you have been following along this entire time or are just joining me, this is a basic guide to my posts about Healing from Trauma. I invite you to share these links, to check them out yourself... Let's take this journey together.

1. Finding Your Inner Child - Which is important if you've suffered from childhood abuse or trauma. You have to find and begin healing that Inner Child if you want to become a healthy adult in the present.

2. Acknowledging The Pain - Another important aspect of healing is that you have to acknowledge what hurts, so that you can heal what hurts. You can't stuff those emotions down and pretend they don't exist.

3. Allowing The Anger - One thing that no one really wants to acknowledge or talk about - trauma makes you angry. This is normal and is perfectly okay, you have the RIGHT to be angry about the things that have hurt you.

4. Taking Baby Steps - Healing from Trauma can feel like a lot of missteps and can feel like you're stuck and making no progress. Healing doesn't happen overnight, it's perfectly okay to take baby steps, as long as you keep moving forward.

5. Don't Minimize Your Trauma - Too often, we feel the urge to minimize what we are feeling or want to downplay what we have gone through, especially if we are afraid of others' reactions to it. Don't minimize your trauma, validate yourself and your emotions concerning your trauma.

6. Know Your Triggers - When you're healing from trauma, it's important to know your triggers and find ways to cope with them. This encourages your mind and emotions into a positive healing process, instead of staying in a "self-protective" mode.

7. Boundaries Make Unhealthy People Angry - This post discusses the need for boundaries and the fact that many people will get angry with you when you start your healing journey. Those are not your people, they do not have your best interests at heart and they are exactly the reason why boundaries are so important.

8. The Journey Isn't Easy - Healing and recovering from trauma is never easy, but the journey and end result is worth all of the difficulties you will encounter along the way.

Another Fibro Flare

Living with Fibromyalgia, Lupus, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Arthritis and Chronic Pain can seem like fighting a losing battle even on the best of days. Some days, start out better than others... When you throw in being a single mom with a mountain of stress you have to climb over daily... the day-to-day struggle of simply living can feel almost impossible.

I don't know what it's like to go through a day with no pain whatsoever, even if it isn't physical. I struggle with my emotions on my "good" physical days. There are days when I struggle to even get out of bed or walk, because the physical pain is so bad, but I'm emotionally in a GREAT place. Life is hard... life with chronic illness and mental issues can seem too difficult to manage sometimes.

Right now, I'm struggling with another fibro flare. I can't get comfortable when I'm being perfectly still, moving hurts - but is completely necessary, Tylenol and Ibuprofen barely make a dent in the pain. I have to keep going. Giving up simply isn't an option. I'll make it through another day, but it will be difficult. Yet, I have no choice. That's the part where being a single parent makes things even more difficult than they already were.

I don't have the support of very many family and friends... and the ones who would be helpful and supportive, don't live close by. So, in many regards, I am a single parent and doing it totally alone. With chronic illness and chronic pain. I keep going and keep trying... each day is good in it's own way, even the days that are hard.

There are many days where I wish my life weren't so complicated or difficult. I wish I could be normal and healthy... the reality is, my life is what it is meant to be. I am who I am meant to be. I am a person worth loving, I have many good qualities, a (mostly) positive attitude... and a lot to offer the world. So, if I have chronic illness and a few mental issues along the way... that's okay.

I am not my diagnoses. I am so much more. And in life, we just have to take the bad with the good.

So I live, one day at a time, to the best of my abilities. And continue to focus on my future and that of my children.

Healing From Trauma: The Journey Isn't Easy

When it comes to healing from trauma, it's important to remember that the journey to healthy and whole isn't easy when you're coming from a place of brokenness. For me, personally, it's become absolutely essential that I don't allow people or situations into my life that trigger me, bring negativity or continue the cycles of abuse that I have lived with for my entire life. In some cases, this has resulted in me having to cut people out of my life that I love. No decision is harder.

Your healing isn't going to give you warm and fuzzy feelings, it's going to be ugly, raw and often painful. You might make a lot of people angry when you begin healing and standing up for yourself... that's okay, because this is your journey, not theirs. If someone gets angry with you because you are taking the journey to healing, then they have no place in your journey or your life.

I have had to learn the hard way that just because I love someone, doesn't mean that they have my best interests at heart or that they are meant to stay in my life. We often hold onto people and situations because it's what is familiar, or , out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. We hold onto people that we love, but never stop to wonder if that love is healthy or if they love us in the right way.

Healing from trauma isn't easy, the journey is hard... it's going to take a lot out of you - emotionally, mentally and even physically. So, while you're on the journey to healing... make sure and take time to take care of yourself. Take naps, take bubble baths, journal, draw, color in coloring books, listen to soothing music, take walks, meditate... whatever soothes your soul and clears your mind.

Make sure, while you are on your healing journey, that you surround yourself with positivity - even if you have to create your own positivity. Never feel guilty or apologize for putting yourself first. And even if the journey gets difficult, keep going - the end result is SO worth it.

Healing From Trauma: Boundaries Make Unhealthy People Angry

A major part of healing from trauma, that I'm pretty positive I haven't addressed yet, is that when you begin setting boundaries and making better choices for your health and well-being - it's going to make all of the unhealthy people in your life angry. Those who will get angry with you for setting boundaries and making healthy choices for yourself have absolutely no place in your life. It's really easy to make excuses for those who have hurt or abused us or those who are aware of our trauma and act indifferent about it. Don't.

If you're setting boundaries for yourself, for your own sanity, your own health, your safety and security, for your own emotional well-being - and people are getting angry with you - then you're doing things the right way. Healthy, positive people will recognize and respect the boundaries that you set in place... unhealthy, negative people will attempt to cross those boundaries, blame you for them hurting you, lash out at you for protecting yourself.

Recognize that you don't owe anyone your mental and emotional health or well-being, you owe no one your safety and security. Those are your fundamental rights as a human being and a valuable person worth loving. If someone is attempting to cross boundaries or get you to remove them, they are toxic to you and your well-being - whether it is physically, mentally or emotionally. NO ONE has a right to invade your personal space or privacy. This can include your abusers, their enablers, their "flying monkeys," people who are using you, attempting to use you or harm you in any way.

Trust your instincts. If you've been through trauma, you probably have a heightened sense of danger. If someone or something about someone or a situation feels "off," trust your instincts. Even healthy relationships need boundaries, that is how they remain healthy. If someone gets angry or upset with you for setting boundaries and communicating those boundaries, then they are not a safe person to be around - this is an unhealthy person and/or situation.

You might find yourself "losing" long-term relationships - family members, friends, etc. In the end, while this is painful, understand that it's truly not a loss if you lose people because you've set boundaries or you have to cut people out of your life by setting boundaries. These people or situations are toxic and unhealthy for you, or they would respect you, your boundaries, your feelings, etc. NEVER feel guilty for setting boundaries. And always stick to your boundaries. If someone is angry with you, that means you're doing what's best for yourself.

Healing from Trauma: Know Your Triggers

Whenever you've been through trauma, healing can be a very delicate process. You're often feeling as though you're dancing on the edge of a cliff with no way to catch yourself if you fall over the edge and into certain disaster. There is no absolute timeline in regards to healing, there is no perfect way to go about it and you will find that even when you are taking "baby steps" and slowly moving forward, there will still be times when you are triggered.

For the intents and purposes of this blog post, the term "trigger" refers to a common phenomenon that is recognized in the mental health industry as a form of "reliving" your trauma, feeling the urge to do something destructive or self-destructive, feeling as you did during the moments of your trauma, etc. To be triggered means that you are not fully in this moment, where you are now... you are back in old patterns, feelings, situations, etc - that are harmful to you in some form or another.

When going through the process of healing from trauma, it's important to recognize that you have triggers, you will BE triggered, and to know what those triggers are, to the best of your abilities. If you are aware that something is likely to trigger you, you will find it much easier to find ways to cope with that trigger if you are aware of it ahead of time and have an action plan in place to help you cope with your trigger.

For example, two certain men's colognes will trigger my anxiety attacks due to having PTSD from an extremely abusive ex-boyfriend. I might be at the bank, at the grocery store, at a business meeting, etc - and if I smell either of those scents, it "triggers" me. For a few seconds, a few moments, sometimes longer - I am taken back to the years when I was with my ex-boyfriend, all of the abuse I endured by him. I will panic, freeze-up, my heart beats too fast, I get dizzy, etc.

Because I have been aware of this trigger for a long time, I've had years to get to a point of being able to cope with it effectively whenever it happens. I used to turn into an uncontrolled, shaking, messy, crying puddle of mush. Now, I can usually breathe through it and cautiously continue on my way, going about my business with minimal damage. But this wasn't always the case.

I found a couple of "grounding" techniques to keep myself in the present moment that have really helped...

1. Focus on something in your present environment besides whatever is triggering you. An object, a sound, etc. Remind yourself of where you are, then pay attention to the details.

Last time I was triggered by a man's cologne, I was at Wal-Mart in the checkout line. Immediately, I started shaking. I focused intently on a bag of chips in front of me... it was a bag of Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles. I focused on the shape of the bag, the colors on the bag, the outline of the words. Do this until you can breathe easier. Handle the object if you need to, sing along or hum with the music or sound. Keep yourself grounded in the moment.

2. Counting or reciting something.
This might sound like something a "crazy" person would do... it's not. It's simply a technique to help shift your brain into another mode. When you have to recall something else, you aren't as focused on the trigger.

For example, I memorized some poems of Dorothy Parker when I was a teenager. This has come in handy as an adult. I have recited it (either very quietly to myself or just in my own head) when feeling triggered. I end up focusing on what I am reciting and then when I am done, however many times it takes, I find that I have breathed through the large part of my anxiety and tension and all the other negative emotions that came with my trigger.

There's no perfect technique for dealing with your triggers, but what's important that you know them. If something new comes up, make a note of it and try to decide how you will handle it positively in the future.

The more you can work through your triggers, the less triggering they become. Until eventually, you won't mind that someone wears their hair the same way as your abuser, you won't care about the cologne someone else is wearing, you won't notice other things that used to be triggering you. You'll find that your anxiety in new situations or similar dynamics no longer scare you, that you will be able to calmly remove yourself from harmful people or situations.

All a trigger really is, is our mind's way of attempting to protect us from something that has already been known to harm us. It is a self-protective mechanism, a survival instinct. Just keep moving and working through it, while being aware that what is triggering you isn't the situation, it's in your past.

As always, if you are frequently triggered and it is disrupting your quality of life, or if you feel like harming yourself or others, please seek the help of a professional immediately.