Breaking Free from the Scapegoat Role in a Dysfunctional Family
For as long as I can remember, I was “the problem.”
If someone was angry, it was because I “provoked” them.
If there was tension, somehow it was my fault.
Even when I tried to be quiet, helpful, or invisible—I still got blamed.
They called me dramatic.
Too sensitive.
Always making things harder than they needed to be.
But the truth? I wasn’t creating the chaos—I was reacting to it. And in a family that refused to name its pain, the one who speaks up always becomes the target.
👣 The Role of the Scapegoat
In toxic or dysfunctional families, there’s often one person who becomes the scapegoat—the person blamed for problems that are actually caused by the system itself.
That scapegoated child is usually the one who’s more emotionally aware.
More honest.
More sensitive to dysfunction.
And because they can’t play along with denial, they become the one everyone turns against.
🧠Verbal Abuse Isn’t Always Loud
Verbal abuse doesn’t have to be shouting or name-calling.
It can be:
• Constant blame
• Sarcasm that cuts too deep
• Being ignored or excluded
• Gaslighting when you express feelings
These patterns make you doubt your perception of reality. You start to wonder if you’re actually the problem, if maybe you are too much, too needy, too emotional.
But you’re not.
You were just human in a space that didn’t allow it.
⚠️ Why Scapegoating Happens
Many families with unhealed trauma or dysfunction rely on keeping things stable—even if that “stability” is toxic.
When one person starts asking questions, setting boundaries, or expressing emotions, it feels like a threat. So the system unconsciously unites against that person. That’s how the scapegoat is formed.
They’re not the broken one—they’re the mirror. And mirrors make people uncomfortable when they’re not ready to see themselves clearly.
💡 What Changed for Me
My healing started when I stopped trying to make everyone else happy and started trying to make myself whole.
I gave myself permission to feel, to grieve, and to question the messages I’d been taught.
I learned that I was never meant to carry the emotional burden of an entire family.
I wasn’t “too much”—I was just surrounded by people who couldn’t handle emotions.
And I wasn’t bad—I was just different. Honest. Awake.
❤️ A Word to Fellow Scapegoats
If this is hitting close to home, I want you to know:
You are not the problem.
You are not broken.
You are not too much.
You’re just someone who has felt too deeply in a world that told you to stay silent.
You’ve been blamed for what others refused to face.
But you get to stop carrying what never belonged to you.
You can heal.
You can set boundaries.
And you can even love your family—from a safe distance—without losing yourself.
🌱 Healing Isn’t Betrayal
Choosing peace isn’t selfish.
Choosing boundaries isn’t cruelty.
Choosing healing isn’t a betrayal of your family—it’s a commitment to yourself.
Let this be the season where you stop apologizing for existing, and start reclaiming your story.
You are not who they said you were.
You are who you are becoming—and that is more than enough
⸻
📚 Sources & Further Reading:
• Forward, S. (1997). Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. HarperCollins.
• Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. New Harbinger.
• Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
• Engler, L. (2020). It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion. New Harbinger.
