I Was Always The Problem, Until I Wasn’t

Breaking Free from the Scapegoat Role in a Dysfunctional Family

For as long as I can remember, I was “the problem.”

If someone was angry, it was because I “provoked” them.

If there was tension, somehow it was my fault.

Even when I tried to be quiet, helpful, or invisible—I still got blamed.

They called me dramatic.

Too sensitive.

Always making things harder than they needed to be.

But the truth? I wasn’t creating the chaos—I was reacting to it. And in a family that refused to name its pain, the one who speaks up always becomes the target.

👣 The Role of the Scapegoat

In toxic or dysfunctional families, there’s often one person who becomes the scapegoat—the person blamed for problems that are actually caused by the system itself.

That scapegoated child is usually the one who’s more emotionally aware.

More honest.

More sensitive to dysfunction.

And because they can’t play along with denial, they become the one everyone turns against.

🧠 Verbal Abuse Isn’t Always Loud

Verbal abuse doesn’t have to be shouting or name-calling.

It can be:

• Constant blame

• Sarcasm that cuts too deep

• Being ignored or excluded

• Gaslighting when you express feelings

These patterns make you doubt your perception of reality. You start to wonder if you’re actually the problem, if maybe you are too much, too needy, too emotional.

But you’re not.

You were just human in a space that didn’t allow it.

⚠️ Why Scapegoating Happens

Many families with unhealed trauma or dysfunction rely on keeping things stable—even if that “stability” is toxic.

When one person starts asking questions, setting boundaries, or expressing emotions, it feels like a threat. So the system unconsciously unites against that person. That’s how the scapegoat is formed.

They’re not the broken one—they’re the mirror. And mirrors make people uncomfortable when they’re not ready to see themselves clearly.

💡 What Changed for Me

My healing started when I stopped trying to make everyone else happy and started trying to make myself whole.

I gave myself permission to feel, to grieve, and to question the messages I’d been taught.

I learned that I was never meant to carry the emotional burden of an entire family.

I wasn’t “too much”—I was just surrounded by people who couldn’t handle emotions.

And I wasn’t bad—I was just different. Honest. Awake.

❤️ A Word to Fellow Scapegoats

If this is hitting close to home, I want you to know:

You are not the problem.

You are not broken.

You are not too much.

You’re just someone who has felt too deeply in a world that told you to stay silent.

You’ve been blamed for what others refused to face.

But you get to stop carrying what never belonged to you.

You can heal.

You can set boundaries.

And you can even love your family—from a safe distance—without losing yourself.

🌱 Healing Isn’t Betrayal

Choosing peace isn’t selfish.

Choosing boundaries isn’t cruelty.

Choosing healing isn’t a betrayal of your family—it’s a commitment to yourself.

Let this be the season where you stop apologizing for existing, and start reclaiming your story.

You are not who they said you were.

You are who you are becoming—and that is more than enough

⸻

📚 Sources & Further Reading:

• Forward, S. (1997). Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. HarperCollins.

• Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. New Harbinger.

• Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.

• Engler, L. (2020). It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion. New Harbinger.

Mental Illness and Parenting - Unpopular Opinions Here!

Mental Illness and parenting, in a perfect world, wouldn’t have to coexist. In the reality of this world, if you suffer from mental illness or have symptoms of mental illness (often without even realizing that there is an issue!), most people tend to victim-blame, shame or otherwise judge those who struggle with simply existing and living, while trying to be a healthy parent and role model for their children.  

Many times, we repeat the cycles which are ingrained within us from very young ages. Our childhood traumas and insecurities play out in various ways with our own children and relationships with them. If someone isn’t aware of their own trauma, it becomes automatic to repeat cycles of family dysfunction or they simply know something isn’t “right” and believe it to be a failure in themselves as a human being, as an individual, as a parent. 

Unhealed trauma can destroy someone’s self-esteem and psyche. It’s impossible to undo the damage that is caused by perpetuating cycles of abuse or dysfunction. This spills over onto our children and how we raise them. 

If one is aware of themselves or aware of the cycles, it becomes easier to avoid them… to a point. In other instances, simple awareness that there was a problem or disconnect in one’s own childhood isn’t enough to stop cycles from repeating themselves. If one doesn’t know what exactly to change or has not been shown how to make other choices and do better - damage is done, regardless of how unintentionally. 

So let’s talk about parenting with mental illness or unhealthy family cycles.

 It’s not enough to know there is an issue. 

One must also have the support and encouragement, as well as the tools, to be able to navigate their trauma or ingrained beliefs carefully and in a healthy way. If those tools aren’t there and there is a toxic “support system” in place, no one will get any better and the cycles continue.

 Those who are suffering mental illness need support and understanding, not judgment. Often those who need help don’t get it or are afraid to ask for it, for fear of being judged or of getting their children taken away. This needs to change. 

Local resources, lists of local resources and networks for help, without judgment or threats of taking children from parents for having mental health issues can be a great start to making our mental healthcare and child welfare systems less strained while actually making a difference. 

Having a mental illness doesn’t make a parent an unfit, helping provide access to resources for parents and kids can help avoid children in the foster care, social service adoptions and help prevent abortions.

Break the cycles of trauma and mental illness to change the world for our kids.

Another Fibro Flare

Living with Fibromyalgia, Lupus, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Arthritis and Chronic Pain can seem like fighting a losing battle even on the best of days. Some days, start out better than others... When you throw in being a single mom with a mountain of stress you have to climb over daily... the day-to-day struggle of simply living can feel almost impossible.

I don't know what it's like to go through a day with no pain whatsoever, even if it isn't physical. I struggle with my emotions on my "good" physical days. There are days when I struggle to even get out of bed or walk, because the physical pain is so bad, but I'm emotionally in a GREAT place. Life is hard... life with chronic illness and mental issues can seem too difficult to manage sometimes.

Right now, I'm struggling with another fibro flare. I can't get comfortable when I'm being perfectly still, moving hurts - but is completely necessary, Tylenol and Ibuprofen barely make a dent in the pain. I have to keep going. Giving up simply isn't an option. I'll make it through another day, but it will be difficult. Yet, I have no choice. That's the part where being a single parent makes things even more difficult than they already were.

I don't have the support of very many family and friends... and the ones who would be helpful and supportive, don't live close by. So, in many regards, I am a single parent and doing it totally alone. With chronic illness and chronic pain. I keep going and keep trying... each day is good in it's own way, even the days that are hard.

There are many days where I wish my life weren't so complicated or difficult. I wish I could be normal and healthy... the reality is, my life is what it is meant to be. I am who I am meant to be. I am a person worth loving, I have many good qualities, a (mostly) positive attitude... and a lot to offer the world. So, if I have chronic illness and a few mental issues along the way... that's okay.

I am not my diagnoses. I am so much more. And in life, we just have to take the bad with the good.

So I live, one day at a time, to the best of my abilities. And continue to focus on my future and that of my children.