I Was Always The Problem, Until I Wasn’t

Breaking Free from the Scapegoat Role in a Dysfunctional Family

For as long as I can remember, I was “the problem.”

If someone was angry, it was because I “provoked” them.

If there was tension, somehow it was my fault.

Even when I tried to be quiet, helpful, or invisible—I still got blamed.

They called me dramatic.

Too sensitive.

Always making things harder than they needed to be.

But the truth? I wasn’t creating the chaos—I was reacting to it. And in a family that refused to name its pain, the one who speaks up always becomes the target.

👣 The Role of the Scapegoat

In toxic or dysfunctional families, there’s often one person who becomes the scapegoat—the person blamed for problems that are actually caused by the system itself.

That scapegoated child is usually the one who’s more emotionally aware.

More honest.

More sensitive to dysfunction.

And because they can’t play along with denial, they become the one everyone turns against.

🧠 Verbal Abuse Isn’t Always Loud

Verbal abuse doesn’t have to be shouting or name-calling.

It can be:

• Constant blame

• Sarcasm that cuts too deep

• Being ignored or excluded

• Gaslighting when you express feelings

These patterns make you doubt your perception of reality. You start to wonder if you’re actually the problem, if maybe you are too much, too needy, too emotional.

But you’re not.

You were just human in a space that didn’t allow it.

⚠️ Why Scapegoating Happens

Many families with unhealed trauma or dysfunction rely on keeping things stable—even if that “stability” is toxic.

When one person starts asking questions, setting boundaries, or expressing emotions, it feels like a threat. So the system unconsciously unites against that person. That’s how the scapegoat is formed.

They’re not the broken one—they’re the mirror. And mirrors make people uncomfortable when they’re not ready to see themselves clearly.

💡 What Changed for Me

My healing started when I stopped trying to make everyone else happy and started trying to make myself whole.

I gave myself permission to feel, to grieve, and to question the messages I’d been taught.

I learned that I was never meant to carry the emotional burden of an entire family.

I wasn’t “too much”—I was just surrounded by people who couldn’t handle emotions.

And I wasn’t bad—I was just different. Honest. Awake.

❤️ A Word to Fellow Scapegoats

If this is hitting close to home, I want you to know:

You are not the problem.

You are not broken.

You are not too much.

You’re just someone who has felt too deeply in a world that told you to stay silent.

You’ve been blamed for what others refused to face.

But you get to stop carrying what never belonged to you.

You can heal.

You can set boundaries.

And you can even love your family—from a safe distance—without losing yourself.

🌱 Healing Isn’t Betrayal

Choosing peace isn’t selfish.

Choosing boundaries isn’t cruelty.

Choosing healing isn’t a betrayal of your family—it’s a commitment to yourself.

Let this be the season where you stop apologizing for existing, and start reclaiming your story.

You are not who they said you were.

You are who you are becoming—and that is more than enough

⸻

📚 Sources & Further Reading:

• Forward, S. (1997). Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. HarperCollins.

• Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. New Harbinger.

• Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.

• Engler, L. (2020). It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion. New Harbinger.

Mental Illness and Parenting - Unpopular Opinions Here!

Mental Illness and parenting, in a perfect world, wouldn’t have to coexist. In the reality of this world, if you suffer from mental illness or have symptoms of mental illness (often without even realizing that there is an issue!), most people tend to victim-blame, shame or otherwise judge those who struggle with simply existing and living, while trying to be a healthy parent and role model for their children.  

Many times, we repeat the cycles which are ingrained within us from very young ages. Our childhood traumas and insecurities play out in various ways with our own children and relationships with them. If someone isn’t aware of their own trauma, it becomes automatic to repeat cycles of family dysfunction or they simply know something isn’t “right” and believe it to be a failure in themselves as a human being, as an individual, as a parent. 

Unhealed trauma can destroy someone’s self-esteem and psyche. It’s impossible to undo the damage that is caused by perpetuating cycles of abuse or dysfunction. This spills over onto our children and how we raise them. 

If one is aware of themselves or aware of the cycles, it becomes easier to avoid them… to a point. In other instances, simple awareness that there was a problem or disconnect in one’s own childhood isn’t enough to stop cycles from repeating themselves. If one doesn’t know what exactly to change or has not been shown how to make other choices and do better - damage is done, regardless of how unintentionally. 

So let’s talk about parenting with mental illness or unhealthy family cycles.

 It’s not enough to know there is an issue. 

One must also have the support and encouragement, as well as the tools, to be able to navigate their trauma or ingrained beliefs carefully and in a healthy way. If those tools aren’t there and there is a toxic “support system” in place, no one will get any better and the cycles continue.

 Those who are suffering mental illness need support and understanding, not judgment. Often those who need help don’t get it or are afraid to ask for it, for fear of being judged or of getting their children taken away. This needs to change. 

Local resources, lists of local resources and networks for help, without judgment or threats of taking children from parents for having mental health issues can be a great start to making our mental healthcare and child welfare systems less strained while actually making a difference. 

Having a mental illness doesn’t make a parent an unfit, helping provide access to resources for parents and kids can help avoid children in the foster care, social service adoptions and help prevent abortions.

Break the cycles of trauma and mental illness to change the world for our kids.

Breaking Cycles Until They're Broken

When you are a survivor of childhood abuse or trauma, it's important to remember that you don't have to continue the cycles of trauma and abuse that you were raised within. You owe it to yourself and your children - if you have them or choose to have them - to find your power and break those cycles, regardless of how many times you have to say "NO" or leave a toxic situation or person.

Recognizing toxic cycles for what they are is the first step in beginning to heal, which is where breaking them truly begins. If you can acknowledge and understand toxicity for what it is, you set yourself on the path to finding ways to cope with the trauma, begin healing and avoid repeating those cycles. Sometimes, you have to keep breaking cycles over and over until you are no longer repeating them.

Understand, I'm not saying that you should not practice situational awareness and set boundaries to avoid repeating cycles. I'm not suggesting that you aren't responsible for your *own* choices or decisions - in this life, we are only responsible for ourselves, our actions and reactions, our own decisions. You cannot control another person or their words and actions, but you can choose to remove yourself from someone else's toxicity or the toxicity that they bring to your life. A huge battle when it comes to breaking cycles is to recognize those cycles for what they are and then to also stop them before they continue.

This can be difficult to do if one hasn't learned from their past decisions or relationships, if they haven't learned that toxicity begets toxicity. You have to understand the difference between healthy and toxic, what's "normal" and "not normal," if you will. By this, I mean that you have to learn that old patterns and cycles are unhealthy and have brought you to where you are, regardless of who or what is the ultimate catalyst for the toxicity. You have to recognize that where you've been, as painful and traumatic as it may have been, it isn't normal. You do not have to live in a constantly repeating cycle of trauma.

If you find yourself repeating cycles, ask yourself what needs to change. Be brutally, yet gently, honest with yourself. Regardless of whether it's something you or a toxic person are doing, recognize that you have the power within yourself to change your own life and destiny. You don't have to be a victim, you can choose to survive and THRIVE. Be sure you aren't battling yourself in attempts to sabotage your own happiness. Watch for the trap of feeling like whatever you are going through is all you deserve or fatalistic thinking and believing that this is as good as your life can be.

Begin to manifest change in your own life by setting strong and hard boundaries. Don't allow others to penetrate your safe space. If you have to remove yourself from a situation or relationship, don't apologize or feel guilty. Do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy space and boundaries for yourself, surround yourself with positivity. Daily affirmations, meditation, journalling, counseling, a workout routine, new hobbies - all of these things will go towards helping you to set your life on the right path and break cycles for good.

In the mean time, don't apologize for breaking cycles. Regardless of how many times you have to break them. Keep breaking them, one cycle at a time, over and over, if that's what it takes. Eventually, when you're closer to whole and have healed sufficiently, the changes you make will become permanent - for a happier, healthier and whole You.