Breaking Cycles Until They're Broken

When you are a survivor of childhood abuse or trauma, it's important to remember that you don't have to continue the cycles of trauma and abuse that you were raised within. You owe it to yourself and your children - if you have them or choose to have them - to find your power and break those cycles, regardless of how many times you have to say "NO" or leave a toxic situation or person.

Recognizing toxic cycles for what they are is the first step in beginning to heal, which is where breaking them truly begins. If you can acknowledge and understand toxicity for what it is, you set yourself on the path to finding ways to cope with the trauma, begin healing and avoid repeating those cycles. Sometimes, you have to keep breaking cycles over and over until you are no longer repeating them.

Understand, I'm not saying that you should not practice situational awareness and set boundaries to avoid repeating cycles. I'm not suggesting that you aren't responsible for your *own* choices or decisions - in this life, we are only responsible for ourselves, our actions and reactions, our own decisions. You cannot control another person or their words and actions, but you can choose to remove yourself from someone else's toxicity or the toxicity that they bring to your life. A huge battle when it comes to breaking cycles is to recognize those cycles for what they are and then to also stop them before they continue.

This can be difficult to do if one hasn't learned from their past decisions or relationships, if they haven't learned that toxicity begets toxicity. You have to understand the difference between healthy and toxic, what's "normal" and "not normal," if you will. By this, I mean that you have to learn that old patterns and cycles are unhealthy and have brought you to where you are, regardless of who or what is the ultimate catalyst for the toxicity. You have to recognize that where you've been, as painful and traumatic as it may have been, it isn't normal. You do not have to live in a constantly repeating cycle of trauma.

If you find yourself repeating cycles, ask yourself what needs to change. Be brutally, yet gently, honest with yourself. Regardless of whether it's something you or a toxic person are doing, recognize that you have the power within yourself to change your own life and destiny. You don't have to be a victim, you can choose to survive and THRIVE. Be sure you aren't battling yourself in attempts to sabotage your own happiness. Watch for the trap of feeling like whatever you are going through is all you deserve or fatalistic thinking and believing that this is as good as your life can be.

Begin to manifest change in your own life by setting strong and hard boundaries. Don't allow others to penetrate your safe space. If you have to remove yourself from a situation or relationship, don't apologize or feel guilty. Do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy space and boundaries for yourself, surround yourself with positivity. Daily affirmations, meditation, journalling, counseling, a workout routine, new hobbies - all of these things will go towards helping you to set your life on the right path and break cycles for good.

In the mean time, don't apologize for breaking cycles. Regardless of how many times you have to break them. Keep breaking them, one cycle at a time, over and over, if that's what it takes. Eventually, when you're closer to whole and have healed sufficiently, the changes you make will become permanent - for a happier, healthier and whole You.

Another Fibro Flare

Living with Fibromyalgia, Lupus, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Arthritis and Chronic Pain can seem like fighting a losing battle even on the best of days. Some days, start out better than others... When you throw in being a single mom with a mountain of stress you have to climb over daily... the day-to-day struggle of simply living can feel almost impossible.

I don't know what it's like to go through a day with no pain whatsoever, even if it isn't physical. I struggle with my emotions on my "good" physical days. There are days when I struggle to even get out of bed or walk, because the physical pain is so bad, but I'm emotionally in a GREAT place. Life is hard... life with chronic illness and mental issues can seem too difficult to manage sometimes.

Right now, I'm struggling with another fibro flare. I can't get comfortable when I'm being perfectly still, moving hurts - but is completely necessary, Tylenol and Ibuprofen barely make a dent in the pain. I have to keep going. Giving up simply isn't an option. I'll make it through another day, but it will be difficult. Yet, I have no choice. That's the part where being a single parent makes things even more difficult than they already were.

I don't have the support of very many family and friends... and the ones who would be helpful and supportive, don't live close by. So, in many regards, I am a single parent and doing it totally alone. With chronic illness and chronic pain. I keep going and keep trying... each day is good in it's own way, even the days that are hard.

There are many days where I wish my life weren't so complicated or difficult. I wish I could be normal and healthy... the reality is, my life is what it is meant to be. I am who I am meant to be. I am a person worth loving, I have many good qualities, a (mostly) positive attitude... and a lot to offer the world. So, if I have chronic illness and a few mental issues along the way... that's okay.

I am not my diagnoses. I am so much more. And in life, we just have to take the bad with the good.

So I live, one day at a time, to the best of my abilities. And continue to focus on my future and that of my children.

Healing from Trauma: Taking Baby Steps

Trauma is difficult to heal from... it's not simply a paper cut or flesh wound, it goes far deeper than someone was rude to you today, your partner forgot to take out the trash, etc. No. Trauma is something that scars you mentally and emotionally, for the rest of your life, all the way to your core and inner being. Trauma is something that you carry around with you, for the rest of your life. It can affect your day to day living and quality of life, it can color your perceptions and reactions to basic, every day words and events.

It's important to remember that you have every right to feel the way you do, you have the right to be hurt or angry or whatever emotions you are feeling surrounding your trauma. It can be difficult to move past those feelings, and, to some degree, those feelings will always be there. But it's important to do your best to allow yourself to feel and express those emotions, then slowly begin to let go of what is holding you back from healing, from living your best life.

When we hold on to trauma, we are giving that which hurt us, power over us. When we make the choice to heal, we are choosing to take our power back. Taking back your power and healing doesn't happen all at once, however... some days will feel like you're "stuck" or like you aren't making any progress at all. That's perfectly okay, just don't stay stuck. Keep moving forward. Don't push yourself to go faster than you're capable of, though.

Remember that every inch forward, is a bit of progress. You don't have to move mountains, you don't have to take full leaps or gigantic steps... baby steps will still get you there, as long as you keep moving forward. Focus on a happy and healthy future, where your trauma has no place in your life, where your past doesn't hold power over you or your happiness.

Wake up each morning and tell yourself that you'll make one positive change - just for this day. It doesn't have to be anything "big," it just needs to be a positive step for you. It can be something simple like choosing to try to have a positive outlook for that day, finding something to smile about, writing a paragraph in a journal, etc. If you have social anxiety, it can be as simple as trying to have a conversation with someone on the phone, or choosing to go to the convenience store for a soda.

Even if you don't succeed the first time, you've made progress simply by trying. Healing from trauma is a matter of taking baby steps. Taking things one day at a time, one moment at a time. Sometimes it's one minute at a time, even one second at a time. Even if you feel like you're merely treading water or spinning your wheels, you're making progress as long as you're handling your emotions and attempting to heal.

Don't get discouraged or give up on trying to heal from your trauma... keep going. Sometimes it's darkest right before daylight, so you'll get there eventually. Sometimes you'll feel like you're not making progress or feel like giving up - don't. You can get there. Just keep taking baby steps. You've got this.

Healing From Trauma: Finding Your Inner Child

This blog post is the first in a series about healing from trauma and abuse, coping with anxiety and depression, as well as living with PTSD.

 It is no great secret that PTSD affects a large portion of our population in today's society. What is less known is that many times, a childhood trauma can cause PTSD that will affect the victim of abuse or neglect in ways that only become apparent later in life. It is a tragedy that in today's society, we still do not have the resources and knowledge to prevent domestic abuse, sexual abuse or other forms of abuse. There is still a large portion of today's society that is content to simply look the other way or find ways to blame the victims of abuse. Nothing could be more tragic for a victim of childhood abuse.

In many cases of childhood trauma, an individual's emotional development becomes stunted at whatever age that the trauma occurred. This can set the individual up for a lifetime of abuse and trauma, especially if help is not sought out immediately following the trauma or if the trauma continues. Domestic abuse, sexual abuse or any other type of trauma - quite literally "rewires" the brain in the victim and causes them to function at a different cognitive and emotional level than they would have had the trauma not occurred.

I have learned a few things in recent years about myself and my life. After large amounts of time of introspection and self-work, I've discovered that childhood traumas set the stage for the cycle of domestic violence and emotional abuse that I found myself repeating as an adult. I realized that I was still acting and reacting as a scared, confused and angry little girl - both in my decisions in everyday life, my interpersonal relationships and in my basic mindsets. This was a hard pill to swallow- after all, who wants to realize that they aren't really as mature as they think they are?

What I've realized is that I have been living my adult life as if I were still the same scared little girl in the middle of chaos. To start working on myself, to learn to live with my PTSD, depression and anxiety and to begin healing my traumas - I had to go back to that little girl. I had to find my Inner Child. My Inner Child was my Psyche... the scared little girl inside of me that had been hurt so badly, that was afraid of being abandoned or hurt again. I had to get in touch with that little girl, to get in touch with my Inner Child.

I know, this sounds like a bunch of "New Age" type nonsense. I promise it's not. First, I went back to the beginning of my life and began writing down memories. I allowed myself to feel the things I felt at those times where things were scary, painful, etc. I found my Inner Child inside - and I let her cry, rage, scream, to FEEL. This has been very difficult. I've used coloring, drawing, singing, listening to music, watching kid's movies, etc - to get myself in touch with my Inner Child.

Once I found her, I began to work on soothing her. I began to tell her that things would be okay, that the adult me wasn't going to let her go and was going to protect her from now on. I told her it was okay to be sad, scared, mad, etc - all of those emotions are valid, and she didn't have to hide them or ignore them any longer. Slowly, I have begun to deal with the traumas that started in childhood and have begun to heal from them. I wake up each morning and "check-in" with my Inner Child, see how she's feeling, make sure she's okay. I tell her, "We've got this, today is another day, and we're becoming whole."

Finding your Inner Child after childhood abuse or trauma is very important, because you have to get your emotional growth on track. To do this, you have to heal your Inner Child and acknowledge him or her. If you hope to break the cycles of pain and abuse, you have to start at the beginning.

First Post

So. I did it. Set up a new blog. I'm going to try to keep this one updated and not neglect it as I have other blogs in the past.

Hahaha. Who am I kidding? As a single Mom who has 9 children, my life is extremely hectic and busy, so it's only a matter of time before this blog also becomes forgotten or neglected. Or is it?

One thing that I've discovered in my life is that we make time for the things that are important to us. I might manage to hold onto this blog, and maybe even start updating my other ones. Time will tell.

So what is the purpose of this blog? This is my sounding board... A place to share my thoughts, feelings, insights and maybe even help someone in the process.

As a person with Complex PTSD, fibromyalgia, severe depression, anxiety and massive amounts of chronic pain and stress... My life is a challenge on a good day. My bad days are really bad. Somehow in all of it, I manage to keep going and keep hope.