The Ugly Unvarnished Truth

 Hello Everyone,

So I haven’t been around much the last year or so. I apologize. I have been battling the worst depressive episodes of my life. I’ve struggled with the after-effects of my hysterectomy a year ago - mental, physical and emotional. My life has been a roller-coaster. 

But here’a the absolute, ugly and unvarnished truth - CPTSD, chronic pain, generalized depression and anxiety and stressful life situations combined are a dangerous combination. I have been in a battle for my very life. I am processing years’ old trauma that I didn’t even realize existed until it has manifested in some way that makes me look, feel and act absolutely “bonkers.” 

To be honest, that’s dangerous. The symptoms that are caused by these issues combined with trauma flashbacks or new traumas can cause someone to push their support system or potential support system away. It’s when someone is pushing people away that they need people to stay the most.

Friends, family, my Soul Tribe - I have been in a a battle for my very life. I have been battling for my heart and soul. I am a very positive, loving and upbeat person - my mental issues take this away from me and turn me into a person that even I cannot recognize.

If you’re feeling like “un-a living” yourself, please reach out. Call emergency services if you don’t have a support system or support person. Post a message online. Just reach out. You are not alone. If someone doesn’t respond or they respond harshly - keep reaching, those people are not your tribe. But you will find the love and support you need.

Sometimes we just have to convince ourselves to try again and just wait and see. Sometimes it’s very literally holding on for Just. One. More. Day.

 Cherish and nurture yourself, begin to find just one thing daily to do for yourself, to take that step forward while you’re holding on tightly to that tiny string. You’ve got this. 

My messages are always open to you! If I don’t answer right away, please understand I am a single mom and business owner so sometimes things get hectic - I WILL respond to you. Even if it’s an emoji and a quick sentence. I will listen and answer.

Sending so much love and light. While you’re battling shadows, know you are not fighting alone. ❤️

Another Fibro Flare

Living with Fibromyalgia, Lupus, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Arthritis and Chronic Pain can seem like fighting a losing battle even on the best of days. Some days, start out better than others... When you throw in being a single mom with a mountain of stress you have to climb over daily... the day-to-day struggle of simply living can feel almost impossible.

I don't know what it's like to go through a day with no pain whatsoever, even if it isn't physical. I struggle with my emotions on my "good" physical days. There are days when I struggle to even get out of bed or walk, because the physical pain is so bad, but I'm emotionally in a GREAT place. Life is hard... life with chronic illness and mental issues can seem too difficult to manage sometimes.

Right now, I'm struggling with another fibro flare. I can't get comfortable when I'm being perfectly still, moving hurts - but is completely necessary, Tylenol and Ibuprofen barely make a dent in the pain. I have to keep going. Giving up simply isn't an option. I'll make it through another day, but it will be difficult. Yet, I have no choice. That's the part where being a single parent makes things even more difficult than they already were.

I don't have the support of very many family and friends... and the ones who would be helpful and supportive, don't live close by. So, in many regards, I am a single parent and doing it totally alone. With chronic illness and chronic pain. I keep going and keep trying... each day is good in it's own way, even the days that are hard.

There are many days where I wish my life weren't so complicated or difficult. I wish I could be normal and healthy... the reality is, my life is what it is meant to be. I am who I am meant to be. I am a person worth loving, I have many good qualities, a (mostly) positive attitude... and a lot to offer the world. So, if I have chronic illness and a few mental issues along the way... that's okay.

I am not my diagnoses. I am so much more. And in life, we just have to take the bad with the good.

So I live, one day at a time, to the best of my abilities. And continue to focus on my future and that of my children.