Mental Illness and Parenting - Unpopular Opinions Here!

Mental Illness and parenting, in a perfect world, wouldn’t have to coexist. In the reality of this world, if you suffer from mental illness or have symptoms of mental illness (often without even realizing that there is an issue!), most people tend to victim-blame, shame or otherwise judge those who struggle with simply existing and living, while trying to be a healthy parent and role model for their children.  

Many times, we repeat the cycles which are ingrained within us from very young ages. Our childhood traumas and insecurities play out in various ways with our own children and relationships with them. If someone isn’t aware of their own trauma, it becomes automatic to repeat cycles of family dysfunction or they simply know something isn’t “right” and believe it to be a failure in themselves as a human being, as an individual, as a parent. 

Unhealed trauma can destroy someone’s self-esteem and psyche. It’s impossible to undo the damage that is caused by perpetuating cycles of abuse or dysfunction. This spills over onto our children and how we raise them. 

If one is aware of themselves or aware of the cycles, it becomes easier to avoid them… to a point. In other instances, simple awareness that there was a problem or disconnect in one’s own childhood isn’t enough to stop cycles from repeating themselves. If one doesn’t know what exactly to change or has not been shown how to make other choices and do better - damage is done, regardless of how unintentionally. 

So let’s talk about parenting with mental illness or unhealthy family cycles.

 It’s not enough to know there is an issue. 

One must also have the support and encouragement, as well as the tools, to be able to navigate their trauma or ingrained beliefs carefully and in a healthy way. If those tools aren’t there and there is a toxic “support system” in place, no one will get any better and the cycles continue.

 Those who are suffering mental illness need support and understanding, not judgment. Often those who need help don’t get it or are afraid to ask for it, for fear of being judged or of getting their children taken away. This needs to change. 

Local resources, lists of local resources and networks for help, without judgment or threats of taking children from parents for having mental health issues can be a great start to making our mental healthcare and child welfare systems less strained while actually making a difference. 

Having a mental illness doesn’t make a parent an unfit, helping provide access to resources for parents and kids can help avoid children in the foster care, social service adoptions and help prevent abortions.

Break the cycles of trauma and mental illness to change the world for our kids.

The Ugly Unvarnished Truth

 Hello Everyone,

So I haven’t been around much the last year or so. I apologize. I have been battling the worst depressive episodes of my life. I’ve struggled with the after-effects of my hysterectomy a year ago - mental, physical and emotional. My life has been a roller-coaster. 

But here’a the absolute, ugly and unvarnished truth - CPTSD, chronic pain, generalized depression and anxiety and stressful life situations combined are a dangerous combination. I have been in a battle for my very life. I am processing years’ old trauma that I didn’t even realize existed until it has manifested in some way that makes me look, feel and act absolutely “bonkers.” 

To be honest, that’s dangerous. The symptoms that are caused by these issues combined with trauma flashbacks or new traumas can cause someone to push their support system or potential support system away. It’s when someone is pushing people away that they need people to stay the most.

Friends, family, my Soul Tribe - I have been in a a battle for my very life. I have been battling for my heart and soul. I am a very positive, loving and upbeat person - my mental issues take this away from me and turn me into a person that even I cannot recognize.

If you’re feeling like “un-a living” yourself, please reach out. Call emergency services if you don’t have a support system or support person. Post a message online. Just reach out. You are not alone. If someone doesn’t respond or they respond harshly - keep reaching, those people are not your tribe. But you will find the love and support you need.

Sometimes we just have to convince ourselves to try again and just wait and see. Sometimes it’s very literally holding on for Just. One. More. Day.

 Cherish and nurture yourself, begin to find just one thing daily to do for yourself, to take that step forward while you’re holding on tightly to that tiny string. You’ve got this. 

My messages are always open to you! If I don’t answer right away, please understand I am a single mom and business owner so sometimes things get hectic - I WILL respond to you. Even if it’s an emoji and a quick sentence. I will listen and answer.

Sending so much love and light. While you’re battling shadows, know you are not fighting alone. ❤️

Healing From Trauma: The Journey Isn't Easy

When it comes to healing from trauma, it's important to remember that the journey to healthy and whole isn't easy when you're coming from a place of brokenness. For me, personally, it's become absolutely essential that I don't allow people or situations into my life that trigger me, bring negativity or continue the cycles of abuse that I have lived with for my entire life. In some cases, this has resulted in me having to cut people out of my life that I love. No decision is harder.

Your healing isn't going to give you warm and fuzzy feelings, it's going to be ugly, raw and often painful. You might make a lot of people angry when you begin healing and standing up for yourself... that's okay, because this is your journey, not theirs. If someone gets angry with you because you are taking the journey to healing, then they have no place in your journey or your life.

I have had to learn the hard way that just because I love someone, doesn't mean that they have my best interests at heart or that they are meant to stay in my life. We often hold onto people and situations because it's what is familiar, or , out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. We hold onto people that we love, but never stop to wonder if that love is healthy or if they love us in the right way.

Healing from trauma isn't easy, the journey is hard... it's going to take a lot out of you - emotionally, mentally and even physically. So, while you're on the journey to healing... make sure and take time to take care of yourself. Take naps, take bubble baths, journal, draw, color in coloring books, listen to soothing music, take walks, meditate... whatever soothes your soul and clears your mind.

Make sure, while you are on your healing journey, that you surround yourself with positivity - even if you have to create your own positivity. Never feel guilty or apologize for putting yourself first. And even if the journey gets difficult, keep going - the end result is SO worth it.

Healing from Trauma: Know Your Triggers

Whenever you've been through trauma, healing can be a very delicate process. You're often feeling as though you're dancing on the edge of a cliff with no way to catch yourself if you fall over the edge and into certain disaster. There is no absolute timeline in regards to healing, there is no perfect way to go about it and you will find that even when you are taking "baby steps" and slowly moving forward, there will still be times when you are triggered.

For the intents and purposes of this blog post, the term "trigger" refers to a common phenomenon that is recognized in the mental health industry as a form of "reliving" your trauma, feeling the urge to do something destructive or self-destructive, feeling as you did during the moments of your trauma, etc. To be triggered means that you are not fully in this moment, where you are now... you are back in old patterns, feelings, situations, etc - that are harmful to you in some form or another.

When going through the process of healing from trauma, it's important to recognize that you have triggers, you will BE triggered, and to know what those triggers are, to the best of your abilities. If you are aware that something is likely to trigger you, you will find it much easier to find ways to cope with that trigger if you are aware of it ahead of time and have an action plan in place to help you cope with your trigger.

For example, two certain men's colognes will trigger my anxiety attacks due to having PTSD from an extremely abusive ex-boyfriend. I might be at the bank, at the grocery store, at a business meeting, etc - and if I smell either of those scents, it "triggers" me. For a few seconds, a few moments, sometimes longer - I am taken back to the years when I was with my ex-boyfriend, all of the abuse I endured by him. I will panic, freeze-up, my heart beats too fast, I get dizzy, etc.

Because I have been aware of this trigger for a long time, I've had years to get to a point of being able to cope with it effectively whenever it happens. I used to turn into an uncontrolled, shaking, messy, crying puddle of mush. Now, I can usually breathe through it and cautiously continue on my way, going about my business with minimal damage. But this wasn't always the case.

I found a couple of "grounding" techniques to keep myself in the present moment that have really helped...

1. Focus on something in your present environment besides whatever is triggering you. An object, a sound, etc. Remind yourself of where you are, then pay attention to the details.

Last time I was triggered by a man's cologne, I was at Wal-Mart in the checkout line. Immediately, I started shaking. I focused intently on a bag of chips in front of me... it was a bag of Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles. I focused on the shape of the bag, the colors on the bag, the outline of the words. Do this until you can breathe easier. Handle the object if you need to, sing along or hum with the music or sound. Keep yourself grounded in the moment.

2. Counting or reciting something.
This might sound like something a "crazy" person would do... it's not. It's simply a technique to help shift your brain into another mode. When you have to recall something else, you aren't as focused on the trigger.

For example, I memorized some poems of Dorothy Parker when I was a teenager. This has come in handy as an adult. I have recited it (either very quietly to myself or just in my own head) when feeling triggered. I end up focusing on what I am reciting and then when I am done, however many times it takes, I find that I have breathed through the large part of my anxiety and tension and all the other negative emotions that came with my trigger.

There's no perfect technique for dealing with your triggers, but what's important that you know them. If something new comes up, make a note of it and try to decide how you will handle it positively in the future.

The more you can work through your triggers, the less triggering they become. Until eventually, you won't mind that someone wears their hair the same way as your abuser, you won't care about the cologne someone else is wearing, you won't notice other things that used to be triggering you. You'll find that your anxiety in new situations or similar dynamics no longer scare you, that you will be able to calmly remove yourself from harmful people or situations.

All a trigger really is, is our mind's way of attempting to protect us from something that has already been known to harm us. It is a self-protective mechanism, a survival instinct. Just keep moving and working through it, while being aware that what is triggering you isn't the situation, it's in your past.

As always, if you are frequently triggered and it is disrupting your quality of life, or if you feel like harming yourself or others, please seek the help of a professional immediately.