Mental Illness and Parenting - Unpopular Opinions Here!

Mental Illness and parenting, in a perfect world, wouldn’t have to coexist. In the reality of this world, if you suffer from mental illness or have symptoms of mental illness (often without even realizing that there is an issue!), most people tend to victim-blame, shame or otherwise judge those who struggle with simply existing and living, while trying to be a healthy parent and role model for their children.  

Many times, we repeat the cycles which are ingrained within us from very young ages. Our childhood traumas and insecurities play out in various ways with our own children and relationships with them. If someone isn’t aware of their own trauma, it becomes automatic to repeat cycles of family dysfunction or they simply know something isn’t “right” and believe it to be a failure in themselves as a human being, as an individual, as a parent. 

Unhealed trauma can destroy someone’s self-esteem and psyche. It’s impossible to undo the damage that is caused by perpetuating cycles of abuse or dysfunction. This spills over onto our children and how we raise them. 

If one is aware of themselves or aware of the cycles, it becomes easier to avoid them… to a point. In other instances, simple awareness that there was a problem or disconnect in one’s own childhood isn’t enough to stop cycles from repeating themselves. If one doesn’t know what exactly to change or has not been shown how to make other choices and do better - damage is done, regardless of how unintentionally. 

So let’s talk about parenting with mental illness or unhealthy family cycles.

 It’s not enough to know there is an issue. 

One must also have the support and encouragement, as well as the tools, to be able to navigate their trauma or ingrained beliefs carefully and in a healthy way. If those tools aren’t there and there is a toxic “support system” in place, no one will get any better and the cycles continue.

 Those who are suffering mental illness need support and understanding, not judgment. Often those who need help don’t get it or are afraid to ask for it, for fear of being judged or of getting their children taken away. This needs to change. 

Local resources, lists of local resources and networks for help, without judgment or threats of taking children from parents for having mental health issues can be a great start to making our mental healthcare and child welfare systems less strained while actually making a difference. 

Having a mental illness doesn’t make a parent an unfit, helping provide access to resources for parents and kids can help avoid children in the foster care, social service adoptions and help prevent abortions.

Break the cycles of trauma and mental illness to change the world for our kids.

Why Does a Narcissist Target an Empath?

When it comes to dealing with a narcissist, it's important to remember that they - each and every one of them  - typically have a "type." While not all victims of narcissistic individuals are empaths, they typically will find someone who has many empathic traits. This is because for a narcissist to successfully manipulate and use someone, that person has to be someone who is susceptible to the narcissists' charms and subtle attacks in the first place, before the narcissist begins to break down the other person's defenses and self-esteem. An empathic person fits the narcissist's needs perfectly.

If someone is friendly, caring, genuinely feels their emotions and is able to understand and feel another's emotions - if someone is a naturally giving individual and they care deeply about even casual acquaintances, then a narcissist will believe they have found the perfect victim. The narcissist is lacking empathy, strong positive emotions - the reason why doesn't matter, concern and consideration for others, perhaps they don't even use basic politeness or manners when dealing with those who are supposed to be close to them. All of the things that a narcissist is lacking, they seek to find and destroy in other people.

A narcissist may not have bad intentions, they may not even realize that what they are doing is abusive and toxic. Many narcissists are hiding deep-seated pain and trauma themselves. In many cases, a "switch" has been flipped inside of them and they only focus on attempting to make themselves feel better, to make themselves feel worthy and feel important - at the expense of another human being. Many narcissists have other underlying mental or psychological issues that are rooted in childhood or traumatic events over the course of their lives - sometimes it is a case of having parents that are TOO indulgent.

But a narcissist is capable of mirroring their victim, to portray themselves as having those same qualities as their victim, to be what their victim "needs." In the end, this is typically a person who is an empath or one who has many empathic traits. A narcissist needs to feel important, they need to have their ego stroked and they need to feed off the other person's pain, fear and confusion. This is why the victim of a narcissist is usually referred to as "supply." The victim is "supplying" anything that the narcissist is lacking - financial, material, mental, emotional, physical - all of those needs that a normal, healthy, non-toxic adult can find ways to supply for themselves.

An empath is a special breed of human, they feel the most, they give people many chances before closing them off, they care about other people, most empaths will give the shirt off their back to someone who is in need of it. Empaths are especially susceptible to the manipulations of a narcissist, due to their ability to anticipate and attempt to meet the needs of other people. Empaths are natural givers and narcissists are natural takers. This is an extremely toxic dynamic, both for the empath and the narcissist - although neither will usually recognize or acknowledge it.

Narcissists choose empaths as their target because empaths are one of the most easily manipulated personality types. The narcissist thrives on causing pain and confusion, on wreaking havoc on their victim's life, because the narcissist will take what he or she is lacking at all costs.

If you are an empath and you have fallen victim to a narcissist, it is NOT your fault. You have done nothing wrong. As a matter of fact, the reason the narcissist has chosen you as his or her victim is because you aren't doing anything wrong. If anything, you are doing things "too right." This isn't a negative, it simply means that you have a light inside of you that toxic people envy, you have a gift that others are jealous of, so they seek to take it for their own. When they seek to take it from you and they can't utilize it in the same way, they then seek to destroy it - and you.

A narcissist doesn't choose an empath as their victim because there is anything wrong with the empath, they choose an empath because that is their ideal person - they target that which they wish to portray themselves as, as well as having the most to gain from. Strong boundaries and setting boundaries is important in getting rid of a narcissist, as well as recognizing that the narcissist will never change.

Healing From Trauma: A Recap Of The Series Thus Far

Thus far, in this blog series about Healing From Trauma, I've discussed multiple topics with you. Below I will include links to all of my blog posts in this series thus far and a basic recap. Whether you have been following along this entire time or are just joining me, this is a basic guide to my posts about Healing from Trauma. I invite you to share these links, to check them out yourself... Let's take this journey together.

1. Finding Your Inner Child - Which is important if you've suffered from childhood abuse or trauma. You have to find and begin healing that Inner Child if you want to become a healthy adult in the present.

2. Acknowledging The Pain - Another important aspect of healing is that you have to acknowledge what hurts, so that you can heal what hurts. You can't stuff those emotions down and pretend they don't exist.

3. Allowing The Anger - One thing that no one really wants to acknowledge or talk about - trauma makes you angry. This is normal and is perfectly okay, you have the RIGHT to be angry about the things that have hurt you.

4. Taking Baby Steps - Healing from Trauma can feel like a lot of missteps and can feel like you're stuck and making no progress. Healing doesn't happen overnight, it's perfectly okay to take baby steps, as long as you keep moving forward.

5. Don't Minimize Your Trauma - Too often, we feel the urge to minimize what we are feeling or want to downplay what we have gone through, especially if we are afraid of others' reactions to it. Don't minimize your trauma, validate yourself and your emotions concerning your trauma.

6. Know Your Triggers - When you're healing from trauma, it's important to know your triggers and find ways to cope with them. This encourages your mind and emotions into a positive healing process, instead of staying in a "self-protective" mode.

7. Boundaries Make Unhealthy People Angry - This post discusses the need for boundaries and the fact that many people will get angry with you when you start your healing journey. Those are not your people, they do not have your best interests at heart and they are exactly the reason why boundaries are so important.

8. The Journey Isn't Easy - Healing and recovering from trauma is never easy, but the journey and end result is worth all of the difficulties you will encounter along the way.

Another Fibro Flare

Living with Fibromyalgia, Lupus, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Arthritis and Chronic Pain can seem like fighting a losing battle even on the best of days. Some days, start out better than others... When you throw in being a single mom with a mountain of stress you have to climb over daily... the day-to-day struggle of simply living can feel almost impossible.

I don't know what it's like to go through a day with no pain whatsoever, even if it isn't physical. I struggle with my emotions on my "good" physical days. There are days when I struggle to even get out of bed or walk, because the physical pain is so bad, but I'm emotionally in a GREAT place. Life is hard... life with chronic illness and mental issues can seem too difficult to manage sometimes.

Right now, I'm struggling with another fibro flare. I can't get comfortable when I'm being perfectly still, moving hurts - but is completely necessary, Tylenol and Ibuprofen barely make a dent in the pain. I have to keep going. Giving up simply isn't an option. I'll make it through another day, but it will be difficult. Yet, I have no choice. That's the part where being a single parent makes things even more difficult than they already were.

I don't have the support of very many family and friends... and the ones who would be helpful and supportive, don't live close by. So, in many regards, I am a single parent and doing it totally alone. With chronic illness and chronic pain. I keep going and keep trying... each day is good in it's own way, even the days that are hard.

There are many days where I wish my life weren't so complicated or difficult. I wish I could be normal and healthy... the reality is, my life is what it is meant to be. I am who I am meant to be. I am a person worth loving, I have many good qualities, a (mostly) positive attitude... and a lot to offer the world. So, if I have chronic illness and a few mental issues along the way... that's okay.

I am not my diagnoses. I am so much more. And in life, we just have to take the bad with the good.

So I live, one day at a time, to the best of my abilities. And continue to focus on my future and that of my children.

Healing From Trauma: The Journey Isn't Easy

When it comes to healing from trauma, it's important to remember that the journey to healthy and whole isn't easy when you're coming from a place of brokenness. For me, personally, it's become absolutely essential that I don't allow people or situations into my life that trigger me, bring negativity or continue the cycles of abuse that I have lived with for my entire life. In some cases, this has resulted in me having to cut people out of my life that I love. No decision is harder.

Your healing isn't going to give you warm and fuzzy feelings, it's going to be ugly, raw and often painful. You might make a lot of people angry when you begin healing and standing up for yourself... that's okay, because this is your journey, not theirs. If someone gets angry with you because you are taking the journey to healing, then they have no place in your journey or your life.

I have had to learn the hard way that just because I love someone, doesn't mean that they have my best interests at heart or that they are meant to stay in my life. We often hold onto people and situations because it's what is familiar, or , out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. We hold onto people that we love, but never stop to wonder if that love is healthy or if they love us in the right way.

Healing from trauma isn't easy, the journey is hard... it's going to take a lot out of you - emotionally, mentally and even physically. So, while you're on the journey to healing... make sure and take time to take care of yourself. Take naps, take bubble baths, journal, draw, color in coloring books, listen to soothing music, take walks, meditate... whatever soothes your soul and clears your mind.

Make sure, while you are on your healing journey, that you surround yourself with positivity - even if you have to create your own positivity. Never feel guilty or apologize for putting yourself first. And even if the journey gets difficult, keep going - the end result is SO worth it.

Healing from Trauma: Don't Minimize Your Trauma

One of the biggest mistakes we make whenever dealing with past trauma is to minimize our feelings about what happened to us or to attempt to shrug off what has happened. All as if we have "over-reacted" or we are "making a big deal out of nothing."

 Nothing could be farther from the truth. If it affected you, still affects you, if it caused you pain or is still causing you pain - anything that has made an impact on and who you are today is, indeed, "something." Don't minimize it.

By minimizing our trauma, we are not allowing ourselves to actually work through the emotions surrounding the trauma or the trauma itself. What this does is invalidate us as a person, as an individual. This has a devastating effect on our mental and emotional health, on our self-esteem. When we minimize our trauma and how it has affected us, we are actually minimizing ourselves.

In a misguided attempt to not allow our trauma to define us, we actually allow it to control us and take away our power. Leading to a never-ending and vicious cycle of minimizing ourselves and our feelings, which, in all reality, leads to further traumas and repeating of negative and abusive cycles.
Yes, by minimizing our trauma, we're allowing ourselves to stay stuck in old patterns and repeat history, over and over again.

While it isn't healthy to dwell in your past or stay overly focused on trauma that we've gone through, it is very much necessary to validate our feelings and what has happened to us. To truly heal from trauma of any kind, you have to acknowledge it, you have to allow yourself to feel the emotions regarding the trauma. You also have to acknowledge that you have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you do about what has happened to you.

This isn't weakness or selfishness on our part. It is simply a part of the healing process. Minimizing this trauma, the emotions around it, just keep us stuck in a cycle of invalidating ourselves and our feelings. It can lead to questioning whether or not we are crazy, self-doubt, etc. Nothing could be more detrimental to our emotional health and well-being or our emotional growth.

Acknowledge your emotions, acknowledge your trauma and how it has affected you and is still affecting you. Don't minimize. You are a human being and you deserve to be healthy and whole. A huge part of this is the human desire to be loved and accepted, but you don't need to minimize yourself or your experiences to be loved and accepted. The right people will love and accept you even when you are not minimizing. More importantly, you will love yourself more.

Healing from Trauma: Taking Baby Steps

Trauma is difficult to heal from... it's not simply a paper cut or flesh wound, it goes far deeper than someone was rude to you today, your partner forgot to take out the trash, etc. No. Trauma is something that scars you mentally and emotionally, for the rest of your life, all the way to your core and inner being. Trauma is something that you carry around with you, for the rest of your life. It can affect your day to day living and quality of life, it can color your perceptions and reactions to basic, every day words and events.

It's important to remember that you have every right to feel the way you do, you have the right to be hurt or angry or whatever emotions you are feeling surrounding your trauma. It can be difficult to move past those feelings, and, to some degree, those feelings will always be there. But it's important to do your best to allow yourself to feel and express those emotions, then slowly begin to let go of what is holding you back from healing, from living your best life.

When we hold on to trauma, we are giving that which hurt us, power over us. When we make the choice to heal, we are choosing to take our power back. Taking back your power and healing doesn't happen all at once, however... some days will feel like you're "stuck" or like you aren't making any progress at all. That's perfectly okay, just don't stay stuck. Keep moving forward. Don't push yourself to go faster than you're capable of, though.

Remember that every inch forward, is a bit of progress. You don't have to move mountains, you don't have to take full leaps or gigantic steps... baby steps will still get you there, as long as you keep moving forward. Focus on a happy and healthy future, where your trauma has no place in your life, where your past doesn't hold power over you or your happiness.

Wake up each morning and tell yourself that you'll make one positive change - just for this day. It doesn't have to be anything "big," it just needs to be a positive step for you. It can be something simple like choosing to try to have a positive outlook for that day, finding something to smile about, writing a paragraph in a journal, etc. If you have social anxiety, it can be as simple as trying to have a conversation with someone on the phone, or choosing to go to the convenience store for a soda.

Even if you don't succeed the first time, you've made progress simply by trying. Healing from trauma is a matter of taking baby steps. Taking things one day at a time, one moment at a time. Sometimes it's one minute at a time, even one second at a time. Even if you feel like you're merely treading water or spinning your wheels, you're making progress as long as you're handling your emotions and attempting to heal.

Don't get discouraged or give up on trying to heal from your trauma... keep going. Sometimes it's darkest right before daylight, so you'll get there eventually. Sometimes you'll feel like you're not making progress or feel like giving up - don't. You can get there. Just keep taking baby steps. You've got this.