Mental Illness and Parenting - Unpopular Opinions Here!

Mental Illness and parenting, in a perfect world, wouldn’t have to coexist. In the reality of this world, if you suffer from mental illness or have symptoms of mental illness (often without even realizing that there is an issue!), most people tend to victim-blame, shame or otherwise judge those who struggle with simply existing and living, while trying to be a healthy parent and role model for their children.  

Many times, we repeat the cycles which are ingrained within us from very young ages. Our childhood traumas and insecurities play out in various ways with our own children and relationships with them. If someone isn’t aware of their own trauma, it becomes automatic to repeat cycles of family dysfunction or they simply know something isn’t “right” and believe it to be a failure in themselves as a human being, as an individual, as a parent. 

Unhealed trauma can destroy someone’s self-esteem and psyche. It’s impossible to undo the damage that is caused by perpetuating cycles of abuse or dysfunction. This spills over onto our children and how we raise them. 

If one is aware of themselves or aware of the cycles, it becomes easier to avoid them… to a point. In other instances, simple awareness that there was a problem or disconnect in one’s own childhood isn’t enough to stop cycles from repeating themselves. If one doesn’t know what exactly to change or has not been shown how to make other choices and do better - damage is done, regardless of how unintentionally. 

So let’s talk about parenting with mental illness or unhealthy family cycles.

 It’s not enough to know there is an issue. 

One must also have the support and encouragement, as well as the tools, to be able to navigate their trauma or ingrained beliefs carefully and in a healthy way. If those tools aren’t there and there is a toxic “support system” in place, no one will get any better and the cycles continue.

 Those who are suffering mental illness need support and understanding, not judgment. Often those who need help don’t get it or are afraid to ask for it, for fear of being judged or of getting their children taken away. This needs to change. 

Local resources, lists of local resources and networks for help, without judgment or threats of taking children from parents for having mental health issues can be a great start to making our mental healthcare and child welfare systems less strained while actually making a difference. 

Having a mental illness doesn’t make a parent an unfit, helping provide access to resources for parents and kids can help avoid children in the foster care, social service adoptions and help prevent abortions.

Break the cycles of trauma and mental illness to change the world for our kids.

Healing from Trauma: Being Aware of Red Flags

One of the biggest things you can do for yourself when healing from trauma is to maintain your awareness - awareness of yourself, your relationships with others and your situations. This is where it is important to also pay attention to your inner voice, your gut instinct and learn from the (devastating) lessons of the past.

If something or someone doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. If something or someone seems too good to be true, it probably is.

When we talk about red flags, this can encompass any number of actions, words or any number of "little things" that add up or contribute to the "bigger picture." Pay attention to what someone says or does, but also what they do or do not say or do. Actions and words need to match, otherwise, someone isn't showing you their true intentions or motives.

If you find yourself in a situation that feels uncertain or unsafe, this is a red flag. If someone is pushing you to do something that you do not want to do or is outside of your comfort zone, this is a red flag. If someone cannot admit their faults or take the blame for their own mistakes - especially if they try to pin the blame on you - this is a red flag.

Be wary of someone who over-exaggerates their own importance, their past actions and pay attention to how truthful they are with other people. If someone is always exaggerating, boasting, has a negative history with other people or they have no problem with telling "white lies," then this is a person who is dishonest. This is a red flag.

If someone has a quick temper, is quick to lash out verbally or physically - even if it is to an inanimate object - these are red flags. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable with their moodiness and you feel as though you have to walk on eggshells, this is a red flag.

Red flags can be any number of words, actions, situations, etc. The important thing is, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, uneasy or something "just doesn't feel right" and you don't know why - it's a red flag. Proceed with caution or don't proceed at all. Red flags are there for a reason, it is a way to have a warning system for you or anyone else dealing with a situation to be aware and to be able to protect yourself.