Mental Illness and Parenting - Unpopular Opinions Here!

Mental Illness and parenting, in a perfect world, wouldn’t have to coexist. In the reality of this world, if you suffer from mental illness or have symptoms of mental illness (often without even realizing that there is an issue!), most people tend to victim-blame, shame or otherwise judge those who struggle with simply existing and living, while trying to be a healthy parent and role model for their children.  

Many times, we repeat the cycles which are ingrained within us from very young ages. Our childhood traumas and insecurities play out in various ways with our own children and relationships with them. If someone isn’t aware of their own trauma, it becomes automatic to repeat cycles of family dysfunction or they simply know something isn’t “right” and believe it to be a failure in themselves as a human being, as an individual, as a parent. 

Unhealed trauma can destroy someone’s self-esteem and psyche. It’s impossible to undo the damage that is caused by perpetuating cycles of abuse or dysfunction. This spills over onto our children and how we raise them. 

If one is aware of themselves or aware of the cycles, it becomes easier to avoid them… to a point. In other instances, simple awareness that there was a problem or disconnect in one’s own childhood isn’t enough to stop cycles from repeating themselves. If one doesn’t know what exactly to change or has not been shown how to make other choices and do better - damage is done, regardless of how unintentionally. 

So let’s talk about parenting with mental illness or unhealthy family cycles.

 It’s not enough to know there is an issue. 

One must also have the support and encouragement, as well as the tools, to be able to navigate their trauma or ingrained beliefs carefully and in a healthy way. If those tools aren’t there and there is a toxic “support system” in place, no one will get any better and the cycles continue.

 Those who are suffering mental illness need support and understanding, not judgment. Often those who need help don’t get it or are afraid to ask for it, for fear of being judged or of getting their children taken away. This needs to change. 

Local resources, lists of local resources and networks for help, without judgment or threats of taking children from parents for having mental health issues can be a great start to making our mental healthcare and child welfare systems less strained while actually making a difference. 

Having a mental illness doesn’t make a parent an unfit, helping provide access to resources for parents and kids can help avoid children in the foster care, social service adoptions and help prevent abortions.

Break the cycles of trauma and mental illness to change the world for our kids.

Why Does a Narcissist Target an Empath?

When it comes to dealing with a narcissist, it's important to remember that they - each and every one of them  - typically have a "type." While not all victims of narcissistic individuals are empaths, they typically will find someone who has many empathic traits. This is because for a narcissist to successfully manipulate and use someone, that person has to be someone who is susceptible to the narcissists' charms and subtle attacks in the first place, before the narcissist begins to break down the other person's defenses and self-esteem. An empathic person fits the narcissist's needs perfectly.

If someone is friendly, caring, genuinely feels their emotions and is able to understand and feel another's emotions - if someone is a naturally giving individual and they care deeply about even casual acquaintances, then a narcissist will believe they have found the perfect victim. The narcissist is lacking empathy, strong positive emotions - the reason why doesn't matter, concern and consideration for others, perhaps they don't even use basic politeness or manners when dealing with those who are supposed to be close to them. All of the things that a narcissist is lacking, they seek to find and destroy in other people.

A narcissist may not have bad intentions, they may not even realize that what they are doing is abusive and toxic. Many narcissists are hiding deep-seated pain and trauma themselves. In many cases, a "switch" has been flipped inside of them and they only focus on attempting to make themselves feel better, to make themselves feel worthy and feel important - at the expense of another human being. Many narcissists have other underlying mental or psychological issues that are rooted in childhood or traumatic events over the course of their lives - sometimes it is a case of having parents that are TOO indulgent.

But a narcissist is capable of mirroring their victim, to portray themselves as having those same qualities as their victim, to be what their victim "needs." In the end, this is typically a person who is an empath or one who has many empathic traits. A narcissist needs to feel important, they need to have their ego stroked and they need to feed off the other person's pain, fear and confusion. This is why the victim of a narcissist is usually referred to as "supply." The victim is "supplying" anything that the narcissist is lacking - financial, material, mental, emotional, physical - all of those needs that a normal, healthy, non-toxic adult can find ways to supply for themselves.

An empath is a special breed of human, they feel the most, they give people many chances before closing them off, they care about other people, most empaths will give the shirt off their back to someone who is in need of it. Empaths are especially susceptible to the manipulations of a narcissist, due to their ability to anticipate and attempt to meet the needs of other people. Empaths are natural givers and narcissists are natural takers. This is an extremely toxic dynamic, both for the empath and the narcissist - although neither will usually recognize or acknowledge it.

Narcissists choose empaths as their target because empaths are one of the most easily manipulated personality types. The narcissist thrives on causing pain and confusion, on wreaking havoc on their victim's life, because the narcissist will take what he or she is lacking at all costs.

If you are an empath and you have fallen victim to a narcissist, it is NOT your fault. You have done nothing wrong. As a matter of fact, the reason the narcissist has chosen you as his or her victim is because you aren't doing anything wrong. If anything, you are doing things "too right." This isn't a negative, it simply means that you have a light inside of you that toxic people envy, you have a gift that others are jealous of, so they seek to take it for their own. When they seek to take it from you and they can't utilize it in the same way, they then seek to destroy it - and you.

A narcissist doesn't choose an empath as their victim because there is anything wrong with the empath, they choose an empath because that is their ideal person - they target that which they wish to portray themselves as, as well as having the most to gain from. Strong boundaries and setting boundaries is important in getting rid of a narcissist, as well as recognizing that the narcissist will never change.

Healing From Trauma: A Recap Of The Series Thus Far

Thus far, in this blog series about Healing From Trauma, I've discussed multiple topics with you. Below I will include links to all of my blog posts in this series thus far and a basic recap. Whether you have been following along this entire time or are just joining me, this is a basic guide to my posts about Healing from Trauma. I invite you to share these links, to check them out yourself... Let's take this journey together.

1. Finding Your Inner Child - Which is important if you've suffered from childhood abuse or trauma. You have to find and begin healing that Inner Child if you want to become a healthy adult in the present.

2. Acknowledging The Pain - Another important aspect of healing is that you have to acknowledge what hurts, so that you can heal what hurts. You can't stuff those emotions down and pretend they don't exist.

3. Allowing The Anger - One thing that no one really wants to acknowledge or talk about - trauma makes you angry. This is normal and is perfectly okay, you have the RIGHT to be angry about the things that have hurt you.

4. Taking Baby Steps - Healing from Trauma can feel like a lot of missteps and can feel like you're stuck and making no progress. Healing doesn't happen overnight, it's perfectly okay to take baby steps, as long as you keep moving forward.

5. Don't Minimize Your Trauma - Too often, we feel the urge to minimize what we are feeling or want to downplay what we have gone through, especially if we are afraid of others' reactions to it. Don't minimize your trauma, validate yourself and your emotions concerning your trauma.

6. Know Your Triggers - When you're healing from trauma, it's important to know your triggers and find ways to cope with them. This encourages your mind and emotions into a positive healing process, instead of staying in a "self-protective" mode.

7. Boundaries Make Unhealthy People Angry - This post discusses the need for boundaries and the fact that many people will get angry with you when you start your healing journey. Those are not your people, they do not have your best interests at heart and they are exactly the reason why boundaries are so important.

8. The Journey Isn't Easy - Healing and recovering from trauma is never easy, but the journey and end result is worth all of the difficulties you will encounter along the way.

Healing From Trauma: Boundaries Make Unhealthy People Angry

A major part of healing from trauma, that I'm pretty positive I haven't addressed yet, is that when you begin setting boundaries and making better choices for your health and well-being - it's going to make all of the unhealthy people in your life angry. Those who will get angry with you for setting boundaries and making healthy choices for yourself have absolutely no place in your life. It's really easy to make excuses for those who have hurt or abused us or those who are aware of our trauma and act indifferent about it. Don't.

If you're setting boundaries for yourself, for your own sanity, your own health, your safety and security, for your own emotional well-being - and people are getting angry with you - then you're doing things the right way. Healthy, positive people will recognize and respect the boundaries that you set in place... unhealthy, negative people will attempt to cross those boundaries, blame you for them hurting you, lash out at you for protecting yourself.

Recognize that you don't owe anyone your mental and emotional health or well-being, you owe no one your safety and security. Those are your fundamental rights as a human being and a valuable person worth loving. If someone is attempting to cross boundaries or get you to remove them, they are toxic to you and your well-being - whether it is physically, mentally or emotionally. NO ONE has a right to invade your personal space or privacy. This can include your abusers, their enablers, their "flying monkeys," people who are using you, attempting to use you or harm you in any way.

Trust your instincts. If you've been through trauma, you probably have a heightened sense of danger. If someone or something about someone or a situation feels "off," trust your instincts. Even healthy relationships need boundaries, that is how they remain healthy. If someone gets angry or upset with you for setting boundaries and communicating those boundaries, then they are not a safe person to be around - this is an unhealthy person and/or situation.

You might find yourself "losing" long-term relationships - family members, friends, etc. In the end, while this is painful, understand that it's truly not a loss if you lose people because you've set boundaries or you have to cut people out of your life by setting boundaries. These people or situations are toxic and unhealthy for you, or they would respect you, your boundaries, your feelings, etc. NEVER feel guilty for setting boundaries. And always stick to your boundaries. If someone is angry with you, that means you're doing what's best for yourself.