“Other People Do It”—Why That Sentence Nearly Broke Me

I was 30 years old when the abuse began. 

In college full-time. A single mom of seven.

Working part-time. Cleaning houses full-time.

Trying to keep our world from falling apart—while mine already was.

Behind closed doors, I was being abused. Strangled. Beaten. Abused in many other ways.  Controlled. But I kept showing up.

Because I had to.

At 33, child welfare stepped in—not because I hurt my kids, but because I was being hurt. I thought they would help protect us. Instead, they punished me.

They took my children away.

For five months, I lived without them. Every room too quiet. Every moment aching.

And then I gave birth to my youngest son.

He was only two days old when they took him from the hospital— even though I had already completed everything they asked of me.

Later, they called it a mistake. But it didn’t feel like one. It felt like my heart had been ripped out and locked away.

When I finally got him back, he was a month old. But the damage didn’t end there. Three of my children were placed with their father— not the abuser in the case, but someone who had abused me in the past.

That triggered a years-long battle, outside the courts, to keep my children safe again.

Everything I Was Carrying

I was autistic, but I didn’t know it yet.

I had complex PTSD that no one had diagnosed since my teen years and when it was diagnosed as a teen, they called it “dissociative disorder”. Years of more trauma added to it. 

I was living with a traumatic brain injury from strangulation and physical blows to my head.

I was trying to survive with memory loss, sensory overload, and constant shutdowns— thinking all of that was just personal failure.

I had no support. No village. No room to breathe.

Just survival.

Then Came the Words That Cut Me

Five years later—when I was 38 and still navigating the lifelong aftermath of trauma—

someone looked at me and said:

“Other single moms do it.”

Maybe they meant it to be encouraging.

But to me, it felt like a punch in the gut.

Because I wasn’t just a tired mom.

I was a woman still healing from abuse.

Still dealing with a nervous system in survival mode.

Still recovering from trauma that had rewired my brain.

What they said didn’t help me.

It erased me.

Why Comparison Is Harmful

When people say, “Other people do it,” they’re not offering support. They’re adding shame.

They’re saying:

“You should be better by now.”

“Your pain isn’t valid unless you hide it well.”

“Your trauma only counts if it doesn’t inconvenience anyone.”

But healing doesn’t work like that.

It’s not a timeline. It’s not a contest.

It’s sacred. Personal. Messy.

What They Didn’t See

They didn’t see the panic attacks at red lights.

The brain fog so thick I couldn’t remember my own schedule. The fear that stayed in my body even when I was “safe.”

They didn’t see how much it took just to function.

I wasn’t lazy.

I wasn’t weak.

I wasn’t ungrateful.

I was still healing from something that nearly destroyed me.

I’m Not “Other People”

I’m autistic.

I have complex PTSD.

I’m a survivor of domestic violence, raising children while managing invisible wounds.

So no—I’m not “like other moms.”

And no one else is like me either.

We each carry our own story.

Our own weight.

Our own reasons for why some days are harder than others.

What I Needed Instead

What I needed wasn’t comparison.

It was compassion.

If someone had said:

• “You’ve survived more than most people will ever understand.”
• “It makes sense that you’re tired.”
• “You’re not failing—you’re healing.”
• “You don’t have to keep proving yourself. You already made it through.”

If someone had seen me instead of measuring me,

I might’ve found peace a little sooner.

To Anyone Who’s Heard Those Words

If someone ever told you,

“Other people do it”—

and it made you feel ashamed, erased, or unseen—

Please hear me now:

You are not other people.

You are you.

And what you’ve been through matters.

How long it takes you to heal is not a sign of weakness—

It’s a sign of how deep the wound was.

You don’t have to match anyone else’s journey.

You don’t have to minimize your pain to make others comfortable.

You don’t have to hide your healing.

You are enough.

Right now.

Exactly as you are.

And your healing deserves space.

💜

#YouAreNotAlone #ComplexPTSD #AutisticSurvivor #TraumaRecovery #DomesticViolenceSurvivor #StopTheComparison #HealingIsNotLinear #YourStoryMatters #YouAreEnough

Mental Illness and Parenting - Unpopular Opinions Here!

Mental Illness and parenting, in a perfect world, wouldn’t have to coexist. In the reality of this world, if you suffer from mental illness or have symptoms of mental illness (often without even realizing that there is an issue!), most people tend to victim-blame, shame or otherwise judge those who struggle with simply existing and living, while trying to be a healthy parent and role model for their children.  

Many times, we repeat the cycles which are ingrained within us from very young ages. Our childhood traumas and insecurities play out in various ways with our own children and relationships with them. If someone isn’t aware of their own trauma, it becomes automatic to repeat cycles of family dysfunction or they simply know something isn’t “right” and believe it to be a failure in themselves as a human being, as an individual, as a parent. 

Unhealed trauma can destroy someone’s self-esteem and psyche. It’s impossible to undo the damage that is caused by perpetuating cycles of abuse or dysfunction. This spills over onto our children and how we raise them. 

If one is aware of themselves or aware of the cycles, it becomes easier to avoid them… to a point. In other instances, simple awareness that there was a problem or disconnect in one’s own childhood isn’t enough to stop cycles from repeating themselves. If one doesn’t know what exactly to change or has not been shown how to make other choices and do better - damage is done, regardless of how unintentionally. 

So let’s talk about parenting with mental illness or unhealthy family cycles.

 It’s not enough to know there is an issue. 

One must also have the support and encouragement, as well as the tools, to be able to navigate their trauma or ingrained beliefs carefully and in a healthy way. If those tools aren’t there and there is a toxic “support system” in place, no one will get any better and the cycles continue.

 Those who are suffering mental illness need support and understanding, not judgment. Often those who need help don’t get it or are afraid to ask for it, for fear of being judged or of getting their children taken away. This needs to change. 

Local resources, lists of local resources and networks for help, without judgment or threats of taking children from parents for having mental health issues can be a great start to making our mental healthcare and child welfare systems less strained while actually making a difference. 

Having a mental illness doesn’t make a parent an unfit, helping provide access to resources for parents and kids can help avoid children in the foster care, social service adoptions and help prevent abortions.

Break the cycles of trauma and mental illness to change the world for our kids.

Healing from Trauma: Being Aware of Red Flags

One of the biggest things you can do for yourself when healing from trauma is to maintain your awareness - awareness of yourself, your relationships with others and your situations. This is where it is important to also pay attention to your inner voice, your gut instinct and learn from the (devastating) lessons of the past.

If something or someone doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. If something or someone seems too good to be true, it probably is.

When we talk about red flags, this can encompass any number of actions, words or any number of "little things" that add up or contribute to the "bigger picture." Pay attention to what someone says or does, but also what they do or do not say or do. Actions and words need to match, otherwise, someone isn't showing you their true intentions or motives.

If you find yourself in a situation that feels uncertain or unsafe, this is a red flag. If someone is pushing you to do something that you do not want to do or is outside of your comfort zone, this is a red flag. If someone cannot admit their faults or take the blame for their own mistakes - especially if they try to pin the blame on you - this is a red flag.

Be wary of someone who over-exaggerates their own importance, their past actions and pay attention to how truthful they are with other people. If someone is always exaggerating, boasting, has a negative history with other people or they have no problem with telling "white lies," then this is a person who is dishonest. This is a red flag.

If someone has a quick temper, is quick to lash out verbally or physically - even if it is to an inanimate object - these are red flags. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable with their moodiness and you feel as though you have to walk on eggshells, this is a red flag.

Red flags can be any number of words, actions, situations, etc. The important thing is, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, uneasy or something "just doesn't feel right" and you don't know why - it's a red flag. Proceed with caution or don't proceed at all. Red flags are there for a reason, it is a way to have a warning system for you or anyone else dealing with a situation to be aware and to be able to protect yourself.

Random Thoughts About Trauma

Trauma, especially that stemming from childhood, is hard to live with, it's hard to "get over." Despite what you might have been told or how you've been treated by toxic people or simply those who do not understand trauma, there's nothing wrong with you except you are trying to learn to live in spite of the pain.

Trauma literally rewires your brain. When you react to trauma, your body chemistry changes - your brain literally changes - so your body and mind struggle to find a new way to live with what has happened to you.

Trauma isn't a permanent thing, but the after-effects are. Don't be ashamed of coping mechanisms you've used or are using to try to deal with the pain or the memories of what has happened.

You can have a good, happy, healthy life in spite of going through trauma. You have to choose to live and live well. In many ways, this is as much a conscious choice as it is a survival instinct. It's about wanting to be better and wanting something better than what you've experienced.

Trauma takes time to heal from. Don't judge your own healing process by another's. Differing traumas, circumstances, support systems and education make a huge amount of difference in a healing process.

Trauma isn't the easiest thing to heal from, it's not something you just "get over," but you can choose your own path and choose positivity. A positive attitude makes a world of difference in healing from trauma.

Does a Toxic Person Realize They Are Toxic?

There are many forms of toxic that a relationship with another human being can bring. In many cases, you get two people in a toxic relationship - platonic, romantic, familial or even in the workplace - where one is the toxic party and the other is a victim. Sometimes toxicity manifests into both people being toxic in their dealings with one another or they are simply unable to relate and interact in a healthy manner. To people outside of the situation, it can be simple enough to recognize the toxicity for what it is and to realize that the person or persons involved are toxic. Other times, it's hard to recognize two people have a toxic relationship - sometimes the victim even appears to be the tormentor.

Then there are those who will make excuses for the toxicity and the toxic actions of toxic individuals. This is what is known as "enabling," these people - when narcissists are involved, although the term fits other toxic dynamics - are often known as "flying monkeys." They commonly enable the toxic individuals and keep the toxicity going in situations, unknowingly helping to further a toxic individual's agenda. Which begs the question. Does a toxic person realize they are toxic? Do they MEAN to do the things they do?

The answer to this is as complex as all of the other intricacies of a toxic dynamic and relationship. In many cases, an individual may not understand that what they are saying or doing is toxic, they may not even realize how their words or actions affect other people or situations around them. In their minds and hearts, they truly believe themselves to be a victim of circumstance or other people's words and actions. There are those that realize exactly what they are doing and don't care about the damage they cause or the cost to their words or action.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if someone knows they are toxic or not. If they've been offered or shown how to get help and refuse to get help, even if others have shown them that their words and actions are toxic, then you have to step back. Toxic is toxic. If you have a toxic person in your life, the rest of your life turns toxic. If someone doesn't respect you or your boundaries, if they bring toxicity and negativity to your life, for your own sake, you have to cut them out of your life. Even if a toxic person recognizes their toxicity and promises to change, actions speak louder than words - true change takes time.

Don't fall into the trap of blaming someone's toxicity on them not knowing they're toxic or not knowing any better - at some point everyone has to take responsibility for themselves and their own actions.

A Red Flag Should Be A Stoplight

   When it comes to new relationships, regardless of how casual they might be - it's important to remain as objective as possible, no matter how much we might like or be attracted to the other person. Typically, it takes about three months of more than casual dating for someone to start to show their true colors or intentions. Some are less subtle than others, depending on their motivation and methods.

 No one wants to be lonely or go through life alone. Every human being deserves to have a friend or companion that they can go through in life, their "person," so to speak. The thing is, if you are willing to settle for whomever you come across who expresses interest or are willing to settle for less than you actually want, you will never find that which you deserve.

When getting to know a new person or engaging in a new relationship, it's important to evaluate and re-evaluate as you go. If the person is usually negative about past relationships or jobs, if they have many financial or interpersonal problems, this is usually a major red-flag. Typically, it's not a huge string of bad-luck that has brought someone to where they are - it's a series of their own choices and actions in their interpersonal relationships. This is a HUGE red flag.

If you notice any type of red flags, whether it's something concrete that you can pinpoint or something that's glaringly obvious, or it's just a gut feeling that "something's not right," trust your instincts and use your best judgement. Remain objective and avoid jumping into anything too fast, be wary of anyone who tries to push you out of your comfort zone or pushes at boundaries that you've set in place. Pay attention to any and all red flags.

The bottom line is, a red flag should be a stoplight. Don't keep going into a situation if you are uncertain or feeling nervous about it. You should never have to make excuses for another human being or their words or actions. Set and keep firm boundaries in place. Remember your worth and remember that no one has the right to take anything from you - not anything material, not your physical or emotional well-being or your mental health. A red flag is a stoplight, so slam on the brakes and back-up if you feel yourself getting into a bad situation or relationship.

Why Does a Narcissist Target an Empath?

When it comes to dealing with a narcissist, it's important to remember that they - each and every one of them  - typically have a "type." While not all victims of narcissistic individuals are empaths, they typically will find someone who has many empathic traits. This is because for a narcissist to successfully manipulate and use someone, that person has to be someone who is susceptible to the narcissists' charms and subtle attacks in the first place, before the narcissist begins to break down the other person's defenses and self-esteem. An empathic person fits the narcissist's needs perfectly.

If someone is friendly, caring, genuinely feels their emotions and is able to understand and feel another's emotions - if someone is a naturally giving individual and they care deeply about even casual acquaintances, then a narcissist will believe they have found the perfect victim. The narcissist is lacking empathy, strong positive emotions - the reason why doesn't matter, concern and consideration for others, perhaps they don't even use basic politeness or manners when dealing with those who are supposed to be close to them. All of the things that a narcissist is lacking, they seek to find and destroy in other people.

A narcissist may not have bad intentions, they may not even realize that what they are doing is abusive and toxic. Many narcissists are hiding deep-seated pain and trauma themselves. In many cases, a "switch" has been flipped inside of them and they only focus on attempting to make themselves feel better, to make themselves feel worthy and feel important - at the expense of another human being. Many narcissists have other underlying mental or psychological issues that are rooted in childhood or traumatic events over the course of their lives - sometimes it is a case of having parents that are TOO indulgent.

But a narcissist is capable of mirroring their victim, to portray themselves as having those same qualities as their victim, to be what their victim "needs." In the end, this is typically a person who is an empath or one who has many empathic traits. A narcissist needs to feel important, they need to have their ego stroked and they need to feed off the other person's pain, fear and confusion. This is why the victim of a narcissist is usually referred to as "supply." The victim is "supplying" anything that the narcissist is lacking - financial, material, mental, emotional, physical - all of those needs that a normal, healthy, non-toxic adult can find ways to supply for themselves.

An empath is a special breed of human, they feel the most, they give people many chances before closing them off, they care about other people, most empaths will give the shirt off their back to someone who is in need of it. Empaths are especially susceptible to the manipulations of a narcissist, due to their ability to anticipate and attempt to meet the needs of other people. Empaths are natural givers and narcissists are natural takers. This is an extremely toxic dynamic, both for the empath and the narcissist - although neither will usually recognize or acknowledge it.

Narcissists choose empaths as their target because empaths are one of the most easily manipulated personality types. The narcissist thrives on causing pain and confusion, on wreaking havoc on their victim's life, because the narcissist will take what he or she is lacking at all costs.

If you are an empath and you have fallen victim to a narcissist, it is NOT your fault. You have done nothing wrong. As a matter of fact, the reason the narcissist has chosen you as his or her victim is because you aren't doing anything wrong. If anything, you are doing things "too right." This isn't a negative, it simply means that you have a light inside of you that toxic people envy, you have a gift that others are jealous of, so they seek to take it for their own. When they seek to take it from you and they can't utilize it in the same way, they then seek to destroy it - and you.

A narcissist doesn't choose an empath as their victim because there is anything wrong with the empath, they choose an empath because that is their ideal person - they target that which they wish to portray themselves as, as well as having the most to gain from. Strong boundaries and setting boundaries is important in getting rid of a narcissist, as well as recognizing that the narcissist will never change.