Mental Illness and Parenting - Unpopular Opinions Here!

Mental Illness and parenting, in a perfect world, wouldn’t have to coexist. In the reality of this world, if you suffer from mental illness or have symptoms of mental illness (often without even realizing that there is an issue!), most people tend to victim-blame, shame or otherwise judge those who struggle with simply existing and living, while trying to be a healthy parent and role model for their children.  

Many times, we repeat the cycles which are ingrained within us from very young ages. Our childhood traumas and insecurities play out in various ways with our own children and relationships with them. If someone isn’t aware of their own trauma, it becomes automatic to repeat cycles of family dysfunction or they simply know something isn’t “right” and believe it to be a failure in themselves as a human being, as an individual, as a parent. 

Unhealed trauma can destroy someone’s self-esteem and psyche. It’s impossible to undo the damage that is caused by perpetuating cycles of abuse or dysfunction. This spills over onto our children and how we raise them. 

If one is aware of themselves or aware of the cycles, it becomes easier to avoid them… to a point. In other instances, simple awareness that there was a problem or disconnect in one’s own childhood isn’t enough to stop cycles from repeating themselves. If one doesn’t know what exactly to change or has not been shown how to make other choices and do better - damage is done, regardless of how unintentionally. 

So let’s talk about parenting with mental illness or unhealthy family cycles.

 It’s not enough to know there is an issue. 

One must also have the support and encouragement, as well as the tools, to be able to navigate their trauma or ingrained beliefs carefully and in a healthy way. If those tools aren’t there and there is a toxic “support system” in place, no one will get any better and the cycles continue.

 Those who are suffering mental illness need support and understanding, not judgment. Often those who need help don’t get it or are afraid to ask for it, for fear of being judged or of getting their children taken away. This needs to change. 

Local resources, lists of local resources and networks for help, without judgment or threats of taking children from parents for having mental health issues can be a great start to making our mental healthcare and child welfare systems less strained while actually making a difference. 

Having a mental illness doesn’t make a parent an unfit, helping provide access to resources for parents and kids can help avoid children in the foster care, social service adoptions and help prevent abortions.

Break the cycles of trauma and mental illness to change the world for our kids.

Healing from Trauma: Being Aware of Red Flags

One of the biggest things you can do for yourself when healing from trauma is to maintain your awareness - awareness of yourself, your relationships with others and your situations. This is where it is important to also pay attention to your inner voice, your gut instinct and learn from the (devastating) lessons of the past.

If something or someone doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. If something or someone seems too good to be true, it probably is.

When we talk about red flags, this can encompass any number of actions, words or any number of "little things" that add up or contribute to the "bigger picture." Pay attention to what someone says or does, but also what they do or do not say or do. Actions and words need to match, otherwise, someone isn't showing you their true intentions or motives.

If you find yourself in a situation that feels uncertain or unsafe, this is a red flag. If someone is pushing you to do something that you do not want to do or is outside of your comfort zone, this is a red flag. If someone cannot admit their faults or take the blame for their own mistakes - especially if they try to pin the blame on you - this is a red flag.

Be wary of someone who over-exaggerates their own importance, their past actions and pay attention to how truthful they are with other people. If someone is always exaggerating, boasting, has a negative history with other people or they have no problem with telling "white lies," then this is a person who is dishonest. This is a red flag.

If someone has a quick temper, is quick to lash out verbally or physically - even if it is to an inanimate object - these are red flags. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable with their moodiness and you feel as though you have to walk on eggshells, this is a red flag.

Red flags can be any number of words, actions, situations, etc. The important thing is, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, uneasy or something "just doesn't feel right" and you don't know why - it's a red flag. Proceed with caution or don't proceed at all. Red flags are there for a reason, it is a way to have a warning system for you or anyone else dealing with a situation to be aware and to be able to protect yourself.

Random Thoughts About Trauma

Trauma, especially that stemming from childhood, is hard to live with, it's hard to "get over." Despite what you might have been told or how you've been treated by toxic people or simply those who do not understand trauma, there's nothing wrong with you except you are trying to learn to live in spite of the pain.

Trauma literally rewires your brain. When you react to trauma, your body chemistry changes - your brain literally changes - so your body and mind struggle to find a new way to live with what has happened to you.

Trauma isn't a permanent thing, but the after-effects are. Don't be ashamed of coping mechanisms you've used or are using to try to deal with the pain or the memories of what has happened.

You can have a good, happy, healthy life in spite of going through trauma. You have to choose to live and live well. In many ways, this is as much a conscious choice as it is a survival instinct. It's about wanting to be better and wanting something better than what you've experienced.

Trauma takes time to heal from. Don't judge your own healing process by another's. Differing traumas, circumstances, support systems and education make a huge amount of difference in a healing process.

Trauma isn't the easiest thing to heal from, it's not something you just "get over," but you can choose your own path and choose positivity. A positive attitude makes a world of difference in healing from trauma.

Does a Toxic Person Realize They Are Toxic?

There are many forms of toxic that a relationship with another human being can bring. In many cases, you get two people in a toxic relationship - platonic, romantic, familial or even in the workplace - where one is the toxic party and the other is a victim. Sometimes toxicity manifests into both people being toxic in their dealings with one another or they are simply unable to relate and interact in a healthy manner. To people outside of the situation, it can be simple enough to recognize the toxicity for what it is and to realize that the person or persons involved are toxic. Other times, it's hard to recognize two people have a toxic relationship - sometimes the victim even appears to be the tormentor.

Then there are those who will make excuses for the toxicity and the toxic actions of toxic individuals. This is what is known as "enabling," these people - when narcissists are involved, although the term fits other toxic dynamics - are often known as "flying monkeys." They commonly enable the toxic individuals and keep the toxicity going in situations, unknowingly helping to further a toxic individual's agenda. Which begs the question. Does a toxic person realize they are toxic? Do they MEAN to do the things they do?

The answer to this is as complex as all of the other intricacies of a toxic dynamic and relationship. In many cases, an individual may not understand that what they are saying or doing is toxic, they may not even realize how their words or actions affect other people or situations around them. In their minds and hearts, they truly believe themselves to be a victim of circumstance or other people's words and actions. There are those that realize exactly what they are doing and don't care about the damage they cause or the cost to their words or action.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if someone knows they are toxic or not. If they've been offered or shown how to get help and refuse to get help, even if others have shown them that their words and actions are toxic, then you have to step back. Toxic is toxic. If you have a toxic person in your life, the rest of your life turns toxic. If someone doesn't respect you or your boundaries, if they bring toxicity and negativity to your life, for your own sake, you have to cut them out of your life. Even if a toxic person recognizes their toxicity and promises to change, actions speak louder than words - true change takes time.

Don't fall into the trap of blaming someone's toxicity on them not knowing they're toxic or not knowing any better - at some point everyone has to take responsibility for themselves and their own actions.

A Red Flag Should Be A Stoplight

   When it comes to new relationships, regardless of how casual they might be - it's important to remain as objective as possible, no matter how much we might like or be attracted to the other person. Typically, it takes about three months of more than casual dating for someone to start to show their true colors or intentions. Some are less subtle than others, depending on their motivation and methods.

 No one wants to be lonely or go through life alone. Every human being deserves to have a friend or companion that they can go through in life, their "person," so to speak. The thing is, if you are willing to settle for whomever you come across who expresses interest or are willing to settle for less than you actually want, you will never find that which you deserve.

When getting to know a new person or engaging in a new relationship, it's important to evaluate and re-evaluate as you go. If the person is usually negative about past relationships or jobs, if they have many financial or interpersonal problems, this is usually a major red-flag. Typically, it's not a huge string of bad-luck that has brought someone to where they are - it's a series of their own choices and actions in their interpersonal relationships. This is a HUGE red flag.

If you notice any type of red flags, whether it's something concrete that you can pinpoint or something that's glaringly obvious, or it's just a gut feeling that "something's not right," trust your instincts and use your best judgement. Remain objective and avoid jumping into anything too fast, be wary of anyone who tries to push you out of your comfort zone or pushes at boundaries that you've set in place. Pay attention to any and all red flags.

The bottom line is, a red flag should be a stoplight. Don't keep going into a situation if you are uncertain or feeling nervous about it. You should never have to make excuses for another human being or their words or actions. Set and keep firm boundaries in place. Remember your worth and remember that no one has the right to take anything from you - not anything material, not your physical or emotional well-being or your mental health. A red flag is a stoplight, so slam on the brakes and back-up if you feel yourself getting into a bad situation or relationship.

Why Does a Narcissist Target an Empath?

When it comes to dealing with a narcissist, it's important to remember that they - each and every one of them  - typically have a "type." While not all victims of narcissistic individuals are empaths, they typically will find someone who has many empathic traits. This is because for a narcissist to successfully manipulate and use someone, that person has to be someone who is susceptible to the narcissists' charms and subtle attacks in the first place, before the narcissist begins to break down the other person's defenses and self-esteem. An empathic person fits the narcissist's needs perfectly.

If someone is friendly, caring, genuinely feels their emotions and is able to understand and feel another's emotions - if someone is a naturally giving individual and they care deeply about even casual acquaintances, then a narcissist will believe they have found the perfect victim. The narcissist is lacking empathy, strong positive emotions - the reason why doesn't matter, concern and consideration for others, perhaps they don't even use basic politeness or manners when dealing with those who are supposed to be close to them. All of the things that a narcissist is lacking, they seek to find and destroy in other people.

A narcissist may not have bad intentions, they may not even realize that what they are doing is abusive and toxic. Many narcissists are hiding deep-seated pain and trauma themselves. In many cases, a "switch" has been flipped inside of them and they only focus on attempting to make themselves feel better, to make themselves feel worthy and feel important - at the expense of another human being. Many narcissists have other underlying mental or psychological issues that are rooted in childhood or traumatic events over the course of their lives - sometimes it is a case of having parents that are TOO indulgent.

But a narcissist is capable of mirroring their victim, to portray themselves as having those same qualities as their victim, to be what their victim "needs." In the end, this is typically a person who is an empath or one who has many empathic traits. A narcissist needs to feel important, they need to have their ego stroked and they need to feed off the other person's pain, fear and confusion. This is why the victim of a narcissist is usually referred to as "supply." The victim is "supplying" anything that the narcissist is lacking - financial, material, mental, emotional, physical - all of those needs that a normal, healthy, non-toxic adult can find ways to supply for themselves.

An empath is a special breed of human, they feel the most, they give people many chances before closing them off, they care about other people, most empaths will give the shirt off their back to someone who is in need of it. Empaths are especially susceptible to the manipulations of a narcissist, due to their ability to anticipate and attempt to meet the needs of other people. Empaths are natural givers and narcissists are natural takers. This is an extremely toxic dynamic, both for the empath and the narcissist - although neither will usually recognize or acknowledge it.

Narcissists choose empaths as their target because empaths are one of the most easily manipulated personality types. The narcissist thrives on causing pain and confusion, on wreaking havoc on their victim's life, because the narcissist will take what he or she is lacking at all costs.

If you are an empath and you have fallen victim to a narcissist, it is NOT your fault. You have done nothing wrong. As a matter of fact, the reason the narcissist has chosen you as his or her victim is because you aren't doing anything wrong. If anything, you are doing things "too right." This isn't a negative, it simply means that you have a light inside of you that toxic people envy, you have a gift that others are jealous of, so they seek to take it for their own. When they seek to take it from you and they can't utilize it in the same way, they then seek to destroy it - and you.

A narcissist doesn't choose an empath as their victim because there is anything wrong with the empath, they choose an empath because that is their ideal person - they target that which they wish to portray themselves as, as well as having the most to gain from. Strong boundaries and setting boundaries is important in getting rid of a narcissist, as well as recognizing that the narcissist will never change.

Do Narcissists Actually Love?

Inevitably, I see many posts in support groups for recovery from Narcissistic abuse, asking if the Narcissist actually loves their victims or if they can change? The short answer to this is, no.

Narcissists are deeply broken. Incapable of loving anyone, not even 
themselves. Although they are very focused on themselves and portray an 
ego like no other (in most cases).

They secretly hate themselves and are full of self-loathing, have low 
self-esteem... and so they reflect that onto their victims, making their 
victims feel the same way they themselves do. 

While at the same time demanding that their victim "supply" them with 
love, affection, admiration, etc. Hence the term "supply" when talking 
about the victim of a Narcissist. 

Narcissists don't actually treat their future partners, other children, 
etc. better than their current victims. They simply move from "supply" 
to supply... Playing "favorites" or manipulating. 
Love-bombing and gaslighting are two of their favorite methods to 
manipulate and control their victims.

Which is how they are able to keep their victims attached and in limbo 
for long periods of time, years even, while also procuring new "supply" 
and leaving more damaged victims in their wake. 

So, the Narcissist cannot actually love you, because he or she doesn't 
actually love themselves.

Healing From Trauma: The Journey Isn't Easy

When it comes to healing from trauma, it's important to remember that the journey to healthy and whole isn't easy when you're coming from a place of brokenness. For me, personally, it's become absolutely essential that I don't allow people or situations into my life that trigger me, bring negativity or continue the cycles of abuse that I have lived with for my entire life. In some cases, this has resulted in me having to cut people out of my life that I love. No decision is harder.

Your healing isn't going to give you warm and fuzzy feelings, it's going to be ugly, raw and often painful. You might make a lot of people angry when you begin healing and standing up for yourself... that's okay, because this is your journey, not theirs. If someone gets angry with you because you are taking the journey to healing, then they have no place in your journey or your life.

I have had to learn the hard way that just because I love someone, doesn't mean that they have my best interests at heart or that they are meant to stay in my life. We often hold onto people and situations because it's what is familiar, or , out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. We hold onto people that we love, but never stop to wonder if that love is healthy or if they love us in the right way.

Healing from trauma isn't easy, the journey is hard... it's going to take a lot out of you - emotionally, mentally and even physically. So, while you're on the journey to healing... make sure and take time to take care of yourself. Take naps, take bubble baths, journal, draw, color in coloring books, listen to soothing music, take walks, meditate... whatever soothes your soul and clears your mind.

Make sure, while you are on your healing journey, that you surround yourself with positivity - even if you have to create your own positivity. Never feel guilty or apologize for putting yourself first. And even if the journey gets difficult, keep going - the end result is SO worth it.

Healing from Trauma: Taking Baby Steps

Trauma is difficult to heal from... it's not simply a paper cut or flesh wound, it goes far deeper than someone was rude to you today, your partner forgot to take out the trash, etc. No. Trauma is something that scars you mentally and emotionally, for the rest of your life, all the way to your core and inner being. Trauma is something that you carry around with you, for the rest of your life. It can affect your day to day living and quality of life, it can color your perceptions and reactions to basic, every day words and events.

It's important to remember that you have every right to feel the way you do, you have the right to be hurt or angry or whatever emotions you are feeling surrounding your trauma. It can be difficult to move past those feelings, and, to some degree, those feelings will always be there. But it's important to do your best to allow yourself to feel and express those emotions, then slowly begin to let go of what is holding you back from healing, from living your best life.

When we hold on to trauma, we are giving that which hurt us, power over us. When we make the choice to heal, we are choosing to take our power back. Taking back your power and healing doesn't happen all at once, however... some days will feel like you're "stuck" or like you aren't making any progress at all. That's perfectly okay, just don't stay stuck. Keep moving forward. Don't push yourself to go faster than you're capable of, though.

Remember that every inch forward, is a bit of progress. You don't have to move mountains, you don't have to take full leaps or gigantic steps... baby steps will still get you there, as long as you keep moving forward. Focus on a happy and healthy future, where your trauma has no place in your life, where your past doesn't hold power over you or your happiness.

Wake up each morning and tell yourself that you'll make one positive change - just for this day. It doesn't have to be anything "big," it just needs to be a positive step for you. It can be something simple like choosing to try to have a positive outlook for that day, finding something to smile about, writing a paragraph in a journal, etc. If you have social anxiety, it can be as simple as trying to have a conversation with someone on the phone, or choosing to go to the convenience store for a soda.

Even if you don't succeed the first time, you've made progress simply by trying. Healing from trauma is a matter of taking baby steps. Taking things one day at a time, one moment at a time. Sometimes it's one minute at a time, even one second at a time. Even if you feel like you're merely treading water or spinning your wheels, you're making progress as long as you're handling your emotions and attempting to heal.

Don't get discouraged or give up on trying to heal from your trauma... keep going. Sometimes it's darkest right before daylight, so you'll get there eventually. Sometimes you'll feel like you're not making progress or feel like giving up - don't. You can get there. Just keep taking baby steps. You've got this.