Mental Illness and Parenting - Unpopular Opinions Here!

Mental Illness and parenting, in a perfect world, wouldn’t have to coexist. In the reality of this world, if you suffer from mental illness or have symptoms of mental illness (often without even realizing that there is an issue!), most people tend to victim-blame, shame or otherwise judge those who struggle with simply existing and living, while trying to be a healthy parent and role model for their children.  

Many times, we repeat the cycles which are ingrained within us from very young ages. Our childhood traumas and insecurities play out in various ways with our own children and relationships with them. If someone isn’t aware of their own trauma, it becomes automatic to repeat cycles of family dysfunction or they simply know something isn’t “right” and believe it to be a failure in themselves as a human being, as an individual, as a parent. 

Unhealed trauma can destroy someone’s self-esteem and psyche. It’s impossible to undo the damage that is caused by perpetuating cycles of abuse or dysfunction. This spills over onto our children and how we raise them. 

If one is aware of themselves or aware of the cycles, it becomes easier to avoid them… to a point. In other instances, simple awareness that there was a problem or disconnect in one’s own childhood isn’t enough to stop cycles from repeating themselves. If one doesn’t know what exactly to change or has not been shown how to make other choices and do better - damage is done, regardless of how unintentionally. 

So let’s talk about parenting with mental illness or unhealthy family cycles.

 It’s not enough to know there is an issue. 

One must also have the support and encouragement, as well as the tools, to be able to navigate their trauma or ingrained beliefs carefully and in a healthy way. If those tools aren’t there and there is a toxic “support system” in place, no one will get any better and the cycles continue.

 Those who are suffering mental illness need support and understanding, not judgment. Often those who need help don’t get it or are afraid to ask for it, for fear of being judged or of getting their children taken away. This needs to change. 

Local resources, lists of local resources and networks for help, without judgment or threats of taking children from parents for having mental health issues can be a great start to making our mental healthcare and child welfare systems less strained while actually making a difference. 

Having a mental illness doesn’t make a parent an unfit, helping provide access to resources for parents and kids can help avoid children in the foster care, social service adoptions and help prevent abortions.

Break the cycles of trauma and mental illness to change the world for our kids.

Random Thoughts About Trauma

Trauma, especially that stemming from childhood, is hard to live with, it's hard to "get over." Despite what you might have been told or how you've been treated by toxic people or simply those who do not understand trauma, there's nothing wrong with you except you are trying to learn to live in spite of the pain.

Trauma literally rewires your brain. When you react to trauma, your body chemistry changes - your brain literally changes - so your body and mind struggle to find a new way to live with what has happened to you.

Trauma isn't a permanent thing, but the after-effects are. Don't be ashamed of coping mechanisms you've used or are using to try to deal with the pain or the memories of what has happened.

You can have a good, happy, healthy life in spite of going through trauma. You have to choose to live and live well. In many ways, this is as much a conscious choice as it is a survival instinct. It's about wanting to be better and wanting something better than what you've experienced.

Trauma takes time to heal from. Don't judge your own healing process by another's. Differing traumas, circumstances, support systems and education make a huge amount of difference in a healing process.

Trauma isn't the easiest thing to heal from, it's not something you just "get over," but you can choose your own path and choose positivity. A positive attitude makes a world of difference in healing from trauma.

Breaking Cycles Until They're Broken

When you are a survivor of childhood abuse or trauma, it's important to remember that you don't have to continue the cycles of trauma and abuse that you were raised within. You owe it to yourself and your children - if you have them or choose to have them - to find your power and break those cycles, regardless of how many times you have to say "NO" or leave a toxic situation or person.

Recognizing toxic cycles for what they are is the first step in beginning to heal, which is where breaking them truly begins. If you can acknowledge and understand toxicity for what it is, you set yourself on the path to finding ways to cope with the trauma, begin healing and avoid repeating those cycles. Sometimes, you have to keep breaking cycles over and over until you are no longer repeating them.

Understand, I'm not saying that you should not practice situational awareness and set boundaries to avoid repeating cycles. I'm not suggesting that you aren't responsible for your *own* choices or decisions - in this life, we are only responsible for ourselves, our actions and reactions, our own decisions. You cannot control another person or their words and actions, but you can choose to remove yourself from someone else's toxicity or the toxicity that they bring to your life. A huge battle when it comes to breaking cycles is to recognize those cycles for what they are and then to also stop them before they continue.

This can be difficult to do if one hasn't learned from their past decisions or relationships, if they haven't learned that toxicity begets toxicity. You have to understand the difference between healthy and toxic, what's "normal" and "not normal," if you will. By this, I mean that you have to learn that old patterns and cycles are unhealthy and have brought you to where you are, regardless of who or what is the ultimate catalyst for the toxicity. You have to recognize that where you've been, as painful and traumatic as it may have been, it isn't normal. You do not have to live in a constantly repeating cycle of trauma.

If you find yourself repeating cycles, ask yourself what needs to change. Be brutally, yet gently, honest with yourself. Regardless of whether it's something you or a toxic person are doing, recognize that you have the power within yourself to change your own life and destiny. You don't have to be a victim, you can choose to survive and THRIVE. Be sure you aren't battling yourself in attempts to sabotage your own happiness. Watch for the trap of feeling like whatever you are going through is all you deserve or fatalistic thinking and believing that this is as good as your life can be.

Begin to manifest change in your own life by setting strong and hard boundaries. Don't allow others to penetrate your safe space. If you have to remove yourself from a situation or relationship, don't apologize or feel guilty. Do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy space and boundaries for yourself, surround yourself with positivity. Daily affirmations, meditation, journalling, counseling, a workout routine, new hobbies - all of these things will go towards helping you to set your life on the right path and break cycles for good.

In the mean time, don't apologize for breaking cycles. Regardless of how many times you have to break them. Keep breaking them, one cycle at a time, over and over, if that's what it takes. Eventually, when you're closer to whole and have healed sufficiently, the changes you make will become permanent - for a happier, healthier and whole You.

A Red Flag Should Be A Stoplight

   When it comes to new relationships, regardless of how casual they might be - it's important to remain as objective as possible, no matter how much we might like or be attracted to the other person. Typically, it takes about three months of more than casual dating for someone to start to show their true colors or intentions. Some are less subtle than others, depending on their motivation and methods.

 No one wants to be lonely or go through life alone. Every human being deserves to have a friend or companion that they can go through in life, their "person," so to speak. The thing is, if you are willing to settle for whomever you come across who expresses interest or are willing to settle for less than you actually want, you will never find that which you deserve.

When getting to know a new person or engaging in a new relationship, it's important to evaluate and re-evaluate as you go. If the person is usually negative about past relationships or jobs, if they have many financial or interpersonal problems, this is usually a major red-flag. Typically, it's not a huge string of bad-luck that has brought someone to where they are - it's a series of their own choices and actions in their interpersonal relationships. This is a HUGE red flag.

If you notice any type of red flags, whether it's something concrete that you can pinpoint or something that's glaringly obvious, or it's just a gut feeling that "something's not right," trust your instincts and use your best judgement. Remain objective and avoid jumping into anything too fast, be wary of anyone who tries to push you out of your comfort zone or pushes at boundaries that you've set in place. Pay attention to any and all red flags.

The bottom line is, a red flag should be a stoplight. Don't keep going into a situation if you are uncertain or feeling nervous about it. You should never have to make excuses for another human being or their words or actions. Set and keep firm boundaries in place. Remember your worth and remember that no one has the right to take anything from you - not anything material, not your physical or emotional well-being or your mental health. A red flag is a stoplight, so slam on the brakes and back-up if you feel yourself getting into a bad situation or relationship.