Do Narcissists Actually Love?

Inevitably, I see many posts in support groups for recovery from Narcissistic abuse, asking if the Narcissist actually loves their victims or if they can change? The short answer to this is, no.

Narcissists are deeply broken. Incapable of loving anyone, not even 
themselves. Although they are very focused on themselves and portray an 
ego like no other (in most cases).

They secretly hate themselves and are full of self-loathing, have low 
self-esteem... and so they reflect that onto their victims, making their 
victims feel the same way they themselves do. 

While at the same time demanding that their victim "supply" them with 
love, affection, admiration, etc. Hence the term "supply" when talking 
about the victim of a Narcissist. 

Narcissists don't actually treat their future partners, other children, 
etc. better than their current victims. They simply move from "supply" 
to supply... Playing "favorites" or manipulating. 
Love-bombing and gaslighting are two of their favorite methods to 
manipulate and control their victims.

Which is how they are able to keep their victims attached and in limbo 
for long periods of time, years even, while also procuring new "supply" 
and leaving more damaged victims in their wake. 

So, the Narcissist cannot actually love you, because he or she doesn't 
actually love themselves.

Healing From Trauma: The Journey Isn't Easy

When it comes to healing from trauma, it's important to remember that the journey to healthy and whole isn't easy when you're coming from a place of brokenness. For me, personally, it's become absolutely essential that I don't allow people or situations into my life that trigger me, bring negativity or continue the cycles of abuse that I have lived with for my entire life. In some cases, this has resulted in me having to cut people out of my life that I love. No decision is harder.

Your healing isn't going to give you warm and fuzzy feelings, it's going to be ugly, raw and often painful. You might make a lot of people angry when you begin healing and standing up for yourself... that's okay, because this is your journey, not theirs. If someone gets angry with you because you are taking the journey to healing, then they have no place in your journey or your life.

I have had to learn the hard way that just because I love someone, doesn't mean that they have my best interests at heart or that they are meant to stay in my life. We often hold onto people and situations because it's what is familiar, or , out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. We hold onto people that we love, but never stop to wonder if that love is healthy or if they love us in the right way.

Healing from trauma isn't easy, the journey is hard... it's going to take a lot out of you - emotionally, mentally and even physically. So, while you're on the journey to healing... make sure and take time to take care of yourself. Take naps, take bubble baths, journal, draw, color in coloring books, listen to soothing music, take walks, meditate... whatever soothes your soul and clears your mind.

Make sure, while you are on your healing journey, that you surround yourself with positivity - even if you have to create your own positivity. Never feel guilty or apologize for putting yourself first. And even if the journey gets difficult, keep going - the end result is SO worth it.

Healing From Trauma: Boundaries Make Unhealthy People Angry

A major part of healing from trauma, that I'm pretty positive I haven't addressed yet, is that when you begin setting boundaries and making better choices for your health and well-being - it's going to make all of the unhealthy people in your life angry. Those who will get angry with you for setting boundaries and making healthy choices for yourself have absolutely no place in your life. It's really easy to make excuses for those who have hurt or abused us or those who are aware of our trauma and act indifferent about it. Don't.

If you're setting boundaries for yourself, for your own sanity, your own health, your safety and security, for your own emotional well-being - and people are getting angry with you - then you're doing things the right way. Healthy, positive people will recognize and respect the boundaries that you set in place... unhealthy, negative people will attempt to cross those boundaries, blame you for them hurting you, lash out at you for protecting yourself.

Recognize that you don't owe anyone your mental and emotional health or well-being, you owe no one your safety and security. Those are your fundamental rights as a human being and a valuable person worth loving. If someone is attempting to cross boundaries or get you to remove them, they are toxic to you and your well-being - whether it is physically, mentally or emotionally. NO ONE has a right to invade your personal space or privacy. This can include your abusers, their enablers, their "flying monkeys," people who are using you, attempting to use you or harm you in any way.

Trust your instincts. If you've been through trauma, you probably have a heightened sense of danger. If someone or something about someone or a situation feels "off," trust your instincts. Even healthy relationships need boundaries, that is how they remain healthy. If someone gets angry or upset with you for setting boundaries and communicating those boundaries, then they are not a safe person to be around - this is an unhealthy person and/or situation.

You might find yourself "losing" long-term relationships - family members, friends, etc. In the end, while this is painful, understand that it's truly not a loss if you lose people because you've set boundaries or you have to cut people out of your life by setting boundaries. These people or situations are toxic and unhealthy for you, or they would respect you, your boundaries, your feelings, etc. NEVER feel guilty for setting boundaries. And always stick to your boundaries. If someone is angry with you, that means you're doing what's best for yourself.

Healing from Trauma: Know Your Triggers

Whenever you've been through trauma, healing can be a very delicate process. You're often feeling as though you're dancing on the edge of a cliff with no way to catch yourself if you fall over the edge and into certain disaster. There is no absolute timeline in regards to healing, there is no perfect way to go about it and you will find that even when you are taking "baby steps" and slowly moving forward, there will still be times when you are triggered.

For the intents and purposes of this blog post, the term "trigger" refers to a common phenomenon that is recognized in the mental health industry as a form of "reliving" your trauma, feeling the urge to do something destructive or self-destructive, feeling as you did during the moments of your trauma, etc. To be triggered means that you are not fully in this moment, where you are now... you are back in old patterns, feelings, situations, etc - that are harmful to you in some form or another.

When going through the process of healing from trauma, it's important to recognize that you have triggers, you will BE triggered, and to know what those triggers are, to the best of your abilities. If you are aware that something is likely to trigger you, you will find it much easier to find ways to cope with that trigger if you are aware of it ahead of time and have an action plan in place to help you cope with your trigger.

For example, two certain men's colognes will trigger my anxiety attacks due to having PTSD from an extremely abusive ex-boyfriend. I might be at the bank, at the grocery store, at a business meeting, etc - and if I smell either of those scents, it "triggers" me. For a few seconds, a few moments, sometimes longer - I am taken back to the years when I was with my ex-boyfriend, all of the abuse I endured by him. I will panic, freeze-up, my heart beats too fast, I get dizzy, etc.

Because I have been aware of this trigger for a long time, I've had years to get to a point of being able to cope with it effectively whenever it happens. I used to turn into an uncontrolled, shaking, messy, crying puddle of mush. Now, I can usually breathe through it and cautiously continue on my way, going about my business with minimal damage. But this wasn't always the case.

I found a couple of "grounding" techniques to keep myself in the present moment that have really helped...

1. Focus on something in your present environment besides whatever is triggering you. An object, a sound, etc. Remind yourself of where you are, then pay attention to the details.

Last time I was triggered by a man's cologne, I was at Wal-Mart in the checkout line. Immediately, I started shaking. I focused intently on a bag of chips in front of me... it was a bag of Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles. I focused on the shape of the bag, the colors on the bag, the outline of the words. Do this until you can breathe easier. Handle the object if you need to, sing along or hum with the music or sound. Keep yourself grounded in the moment.

2. Counting or reciting something.
This might sound like something a "crazy" person would do... it's not. It's simply a technique to help shift your brain into another mode. When you have to recall something else, you aren't as focused on the trigger.

For example, I memorized some poems of Dorothy Parker when I was a teenager. This has come in handy as an adult. I have recited it (either very quietly to myself or just in my own head) when feeling triggered. I end up focusing on what I am reciting and then when I am done, however many times it takes, I find that I have breathed through the large part of my anxiety and tension and all the other negative emotions that came with my trigger.

There's no perfect technique for dealing with your triggers, but what's important that you know them. If something new comes up, make a note of it and try to decide how you will handle it positively in the future.

The more you can work through your triggers, the less triggering they become. Until eventually, you won't mind that someone wears their hair the same way as your abuser, you won't care about the cologne someone else is wearing, you won't notice other things that used to be triggering you. You'll find that your anxiety in new situations or similar dynamics no longer scare you, that you will be able to calmly remove yourself from harmful people or situations.

All a trigger really is, is our mind's way of attempting to protect us from something that has already been known to harm us. It is a self-protective mechanism, a survival instinct. Just keep moving and working through it, while being aware that what is triggering you isn't the situation, it's in your past.

As always, if you are frequently triggered and it is disrupting your quality of life, or if you feel like harming yourself or others, please seek the help of a professional immediately.

Healing from Trauma: Taking Baby Steps

Trauma is difficult to heal from... it's not simply a paper cut or flesh wound, it goes far deeper than someone was rude to you today, your partner forgot to take out the trash, etc. No. Trauma is something that scars you mentally and emotionally, for the rest of your life, all the way to your core and inner being. Trauma is something that you carry around with you, for the rest of your life. It can affect your day to day living and quality of life, it can color your perceptions and reactions to basic, every day words and events.

It's important to remember that you have every right to feel the way you do, you have the right to be hurt or angry or whatever emotions you are feeling surrounding your trauma. It can be difficult to move past those feelings, and, to some degree, those feelings will always be there. But it's important to do your best to allow yourself to feel and express those emotions, then slowly begin to let go of what is holding you back from healing, from living your best life.

When we hold on to trauma, we are giving that which hurt us, power over us. When we make the choice to heal, we are choosing to take our power back. Taking back your power and healing doesn't happen all at once, however... some days will feel like you're "stuck" or like you aren't making any progress at all. That's perfectly okay, just don't stay stuck. Keep moving forward. Don't push yourself to go faster than you're capable of, though.

Remember that every inch forward, is a bit of progress. You don't have to move mountains, you don't have to take full leaps or gigantic steps... baby steps will still get you there, as long as you keep moving forward. Focus on a happy and healthy future, where your trauma has no place in your life, where your past doesn't hold power over you or your happiness.

Wake up each morning and tell yourself that you'll make one positive change - just for this day. It doesn't have to be anything "big," it just needs to be a positive step for you. It can be something simple like choosing to try to have a positive outlook for that day, finding something to smile about, writing a paragraph in a journal, etc. If you have social anxiety, it can be as simple as trying to have a conversation with someone on the phone, or choosing to go to the convenience store for a soda.

Even if you don't succeed the first time, you've made progress simply by trying. Healing from trauma is a matter of taking baby steps. Taking things one day at a time, one moment at a time. Sometimes it's one minute at a time, even one second at a time. Even if you feel like you're merely treading water or spinning your wheels, you're making progress as long as you're handling your emotions and attempting to heal.

Don't get discouraged or give up on trying to heal from your trauma... keep going. Sometimes it's darkest right before daylight, so you'll get there eventually. Sometimes you'll feel like you're not making progress or feel like giving up - don't. You can get there. Just keep taking baby steps. You've got this.

Healing From Trauma: Allowing the Anger

With any type of trauma or abuse, it's quite normal for the person who has been abused or gone through another type of trauma to feel a broad range of emotions. This is almost always the case. Rarely is the victim of abuse or another type of trauma going to only feel one specific emotion regarding what has happened to them. Our brains process trauma in many different ways, even when we are not actively processing the trauma - there are still underlying emotions or motivations that trace back directly to the previous trauma we have gone through.

As I talked about in my previous post in this series, with any type of trauma, there is a large amount of pain. This is entirely normal and a part of the healing process. Our bodies and minds feel pain as a way of helping to protect us from further pain in the future. But there's another emotion which is almost always present when dealing with any type of trauma. That emotion is anger.

Now, what you absolutely must understand whenever you start dealing with the trauma... every single emotion you are feeling is absolutely valid and normal. Especially anger. We get angry for a large variety of reasons when it comes to trauma - it can be simply because something happened to us, it can be because we couldn't control it or protect ourselves, it can be because someone we trusted hurt us - the list goes on.

Whatever anger you feel about your trauma is valid. It is a  valid emotion and is also part of your mind and body's defense mechanism.

Whenever we are angry, it typically means we have been hurt, disrespected, disregarded, discarded, etc. It can mean that we've been made to feel as though our emotions are invalid, that WE do not matter. If we are angry, we need to allow ourselves to feel that emotion and work through it. It's not healthy to carry around anger, even if it IS a defense mechanism that is created due to trauma. Only when we can begin to heal the pain and anger can we work through our traumas.

If you are angry because you've gone through a trauma - you might be angry at the source or cause of your trauma, your abuser, the natural disaster you went through, etc... that is perfectly normal and perfectly okay. And if you can acknowledge your anger and why you are angry, that helps smooth the path for you in your healing process.

I don't typically suggest that you confront an abuser or attacker, you can't confront a natural disaster or accident... but you can write a letter, you can take your aggression out on an inanimate object or using physical activity as a positive outlet. You need to be able to express your anger, acknowledge that you are angry and why you are angry, so that you can move past it and continue to the next stage of healing from trauma.

If you find yourself angry and you can't cope with those emotions or don't feel like you are making progress, please seek the advice of a licensed professional counselor or therapist. You don't have to heal on your own and sometimes, we all need some help learning to cope and learning to heal. It's okay to be angry, you have the right to be angry and it's a perfectly normal response to trauma. Feel it, work through it, and continue healing.

By staying in your pain or anger, you allow your trauma to control you and hold onto you. I can assure you, from personal experience, this isn't where you want to stay "stuck." Let yourself feel your emotions and then let go, the continue to work on healing from your trauma.

Healing From Trauma: Acknowledging the Pain

This is my second post in my series about Healing from Trauma. I would like to take a moment to invite you to check out my other posts in this series... Due to time constraints, I will not be linking each post to the others while doing this series. They can all be found on this blog, Inside a Glass Heart.

The thing that most people don't understand about surviving any type of abuse or trauma, is that there is a lifetime of pain surrounding whatever abuse or trauma you have gone through. It becomes easier after a time to simply ignore the resulting pain that has been caused by childhood abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence or other trauma. This is because we tend to want to avoid thinking about whatever hurt us, so we try to ignore what happened and ignore the resulting pain.

Our subconscious usually does a good job of helping us "forget" the pain, which in turn leads us to be able to avoid thinking about that which hurt us. This leads to a lifetime of underlying pain, decisions that usually come as a result of that pain - either which lead to us continually being hurt or to try to avoid being hurt again. This perpetuates an extremely unhealthy cycle of abuse or trauma, as well as helps to keep us from working through the trauma to avoid feeling the pain that the trauma caused. Many times, it keeps us from even acknowledging that we are in pain.

PTSD is many times a result of not just the trauma that we have been through, but a result of not working through our unresolved feelings concerning our trauma. This results in a "bottling up" of our emotions concerning the trauma, the denial that there is anything wrong, even the convincing ourselves that everything is "okay." That we are "just fine." Nothing could be farther from the truth and this is a very dangerous way to handle your emotions and trauma.

One of the first steps to beginning to heal from trauma is to acknowledge your pain. Admit that you are hurt, that you have every right to be hurt. It's okay to be hurt, it's okay to feel that hurt. You can feel the pain and still come through it. You might be a bit "bruised and battered" by the time you come out of the other side of your pain, but that's perfectly normal and perfectly okay.

For many years, I attempted to keep my emotions in check and refused to acknowledge that which was hurting me. I refused to acknowledge that I was in pain or that I had been hurt. I attempted to avoid thinking about the things and people that had hurt me, even felt guilty for acknowledging that someone I'd loved and trusted had hurt me. In an attempt to spare other's feelings and protect my own, I didn't allow myself to feel that hurt or acknowledge it. I self-medicated, was angry and volatile, bitter and even paranoid - as I attempted to protect myself from further hurt and attempted to avoid that which was hurting me.

All I did was hurt myself worse.

If you truly want to heal from trauma, you have to work through your emotions surrounding the trauma. An integral part of this is acknowledging and accepting the pain for what it is. I'm not suggesting that you feel your pain and just simply stay stuck in it or wallow in it, but to simply acknowledge and feel that pain. Cry as many tears as you need to, write your heart out in a journal or letter to what or whomever hurt you (burning it if necessary), embrace yourself and give yourself gentle hugs and loving self-care. Take care of yourself and work through your pain.

Beware of those who will tell you to "get over it," "stop being a baby" or any other negative, minimizing statements. Being in touch with your emotions and handling them appropriately is a very important part of your emotional and mental health and growth. Acknowledge those emotions, feel them, work through them and release them. If you cannot do this on your own, I strongly suggest seeking the help of a licensed counselor or trauma therapist to help guide you through this process.

Acknowledging pain is difficult, but it's an important first step in the process of healing from trauma.

Healing From Trauma: Finding Your Inner Child

This blog post is the first in a series about healing from trauma and abuse, coping with anxiety and depression, as well as living with PTSD.

 It is no great secret that PTSD affects a large portion of our population in today's society. What is less known is that many times, a childhood trauma can cause PTSD that will affect the victim of abuse or neglect in ways that only become apparent later in life. It is a tragedy that in today's society, we still do not have the resources and knowledge to prevent domestic abuse, sexual abuse or other forms of abuse. There is still a large portion of today's society that is content to simply look the other way or find ways to blame the victims of abuse. Nothing could be more tragic for a victim of childhood abuse.

In many cases of childhood trauma, an individual's emotional development becomes stunted at whatever age that the trauma occurred. This can set the individual up for a lifetime of abuse and trauma, especially if help is not sought out immediately following the trauma or if the trauma continues. Domestic abuse, sexual abuse or any other type of trauma - quite literally "rewires" the brain in the victim and causes them to function at a different cognitive and emotional level than they would have had the trauma not occurred.

I have learned a few things in recent years about myself and my life. After large amounts of time of introspection and self-work, I've discovered that childhood traumas set the stage for the cycle of domestic violence and emotional abuse that I found myself repeating as an adult. I realized that I was still acting and reacting as a scared, confused and angry little girl - both in my decisions in everyday life, my interpersonal relationships and in my basic mindsets. This was a hard pill to swallow- after all, who wants to realize that they aren't really as mature as they think they are?

What I've realized is that I have been living my adult life as if I were still the same scared little girl in the middle of chaos. To start working on myself, to learn to live with my PTSD, depression and anxiety and to begin healing my traumas - I had to go back to that little girl. I had to find my Inner Child. My Inner Child was my Psyche... the scared little girl inside of me that had been hurt so badly, that was afraid of being abandoned or hurt again. I had to get in touch with that little girl, to get in touch with my Inner Child.

I know, this sounds like a bunch of "New Age" type nonsense. I promise it's not. First, I went back to the beginning of my life and began writing down memories. I allowed myself to feel the things I felt at those times where things were scary, painful, etc. I found my Inner Child inside - and I let her cry, rage, scream, to FEEL. This has been very difficult. I've used coloring, drawing, singing, listening to music, watching kid's movies, etc - to get myself in touch with my Inner Child.

Once I found her, I began to work on soothing her. I began to tell her that things would be okay, that the adult me wasn't going to let her go and was going to protect her from now on. I told her it was okay to be sad, scared, mad, etc - all of those emotions are valid, and she didn't have to hide them or ignore them any longer. Slowly, I have begun to deal with the traumas that started in childhood and have begun to heal from them. I wake up each morning and "check-in" with my Inner Child, see how she's feeling, make sure she's okay. I tell her, "We've got this, today is another day, and we're becoming whole."

Finding your Inner Child after childhood abuse or trauma is very important, because you have to get your emotional growth on track. To do this, you have to heal your Inner Child and acknowledge him or her. If you hope to break the cycles of pain and abuse, you have to start at the beginning.